ow should I act?" "What if I say the wrong thing?" Many of us have questions like these running through our heads when we see someone who's grieving over a loss. We want to reach out, but many times we don't know how. Here are some helpful ways to be with someone in their pain.
Voice your concern for the person.
Acknowledge what has happened and be willing to talk about the loss. This shows that you genuinely care.
Be available to listen.
Take time to listen to the person. Ask, "What was he/she like? Tell me more about what happened." For the person grieving, showing emotion and tears could be very powerful. This says, "It's OK to cry." It also shows the value of the person who died.
Avoid "easy answers" or clichés to hard questions.
Comments such as "You can always have another baby" or "God's in control" should be avoided. Many times we don't know why things happen, and it's all right to say "I don't know, but I do know that Jesus cares about how you feel, and I'm here for you."
Remember the importance of special days: anniversaries, birthdays, or activities in which they formerly participated.
Be sensitive to the memories and occasions that the grieving ones hold dear. If they want some time alone, respect that decision.
Reaffirm the value of your relationship with the person.
The importance of friendship is crucial. Offer specific help depending on the relationship (classmate, family, neighbor). Examples: "I have some food for you" or "Let me mow your lawn for you."
Allow those who are grieving to set the pace and agenda.
Be patient. Grief may appear to come and go for no apparent reason. Remember that there is no fixed time for the bereavement process to be over. Accept them where they are in this process and don't judge.
The whole person: body, mind, and spirit
The balance of the whole person is significant. We must pray for them and care for their physical needs just as much as for their emotional needs.
_________________________
Beth Bentzinger Gilbert is a chaplain at Loma Linda Medical Center and Children's Hospital in Loma Linda, California.
