December 8, 2014

Searching the Obvious

I stand at the nurses’ station. My friend, Barbara, has already set aside a simple hazmat packet for me: I am more of a danger to the patient than the patient is to me.

“He asked specifically for you, said he knew you, and will not talk to anyone else.”

Taking the packet, I walk toward the chapel. I have to stop there first. Barbara follows, whispering details about the patient: late 20s, enlarged heart, organs failing. I say nothing.

I know him. He was a cruel student. He lied and complained about me. Anything he could do or invent to ruin my reputation, he did. He challenged the grade he earned, using racial epithets in front of my supervisors. Yet he was smart: Always letting his behavior get close, but never past, the line of academic withdrawal. I remember returning home from work, falling on my knees, and asking God to touch his heart. Now here he is. I tried so hard to get out of this visit.

In the chapel I sit and pray. A week ago I sat on a comfortable couch with my parents, talking about a biblical passage, John 14:26. The definition of the Holy Spirit: Advocate (NIV), Helper (ESV),1 Comforter (KJV), and Counselor (HCSB).2 I recognized these definitions as the Holy Spirit had guided my work with patients. Now, sitting on a hard pew, I wonder: Where is the Counselor, the Helper? Are You close?

I have an hour before the ambulance arrives to transfer the patient to the cardiac unit at another hospital. Barbara helps me gown up while humming: “ ‘Come, Holy Spirit, I need You. Come, sweet Spirit, I pray . . .’ ” Why did she choose that song?

* * *

I enter the room and immediately hear labored breathing. The curtains are drawn, hiding the patient. I quickly glance at the monitor and see his vitals; they are not good. I step forward, announce my entrance, push the curtains aside, and see him, a shell of a young man, jaundiced, wearing an oxygen mask, matted hair, and bloodshot eyes. He’s lost so much weight; he looks so different. He slowly removes the oxygen mask and says, “You’re here.”

I hear of his life. He has two children, never got married. He struggled with drugs, never finished college. He worked three jobs to live and pay child support. While stacking crates in the middle of the night he had a heart attack. Now they tell him he’s dying. But things had changed in the past few months. He had felt a desire to read the Bible and found comfort. He wonders if God will forgive his sins. He extends a trembling hand toward me: “How do I ask for forgiveness?”

And there I am, one small person with a huge task. This is not about me; this is about his salvation. We talk for a while about forgiveness and mercy that is given to all. I pray for him and recognize the peace in the room. His Advocate is among us; his Comforter stands by his bedside, I am sure.

* * *

As paramedics load him into the ambulance, I give my former student two options: I can drive behind the ambulance, or ride in the ambulance with him to the hospital. He takes the second choice.

As the journey begins, so does the physical decline. His heart is failing. I hold his hand, smile, pray with him. He removes the oxygen mask. “ ‘Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death . . .’ ” He can barely breathe. Once so lost, he has found his way home. Paramedics join me to complete the verse: “ ‘I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.’ ” He smiles, closes his eyes, and codes.

As the paramedics work on him, I look at my watch to document the time of death. One of the paramedics looks at me and asks, “Did you know him?”

I shake my head. “I did not know this person, but a long time ago I prayed that he would seek God. He did.”

The paramedic writes on his chart and says, “God moves in mysterious ways, Chaplain.”

I lean into the warmth of knowing my Comforter and Counselor will follow me home.


  1. Scripture quotations marked ESV are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
  2. Texts credited to HCSB are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible, copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.
Advertisement
Advertisement