AREN LOOKED AT HER HUSBAND, Steve, in astonishment, feeling like her world had just come crashing down on her. "I should have never married you," Steve said. "You're the reason I'm not happy. Besides that, if you need a reason to divorce me, I've had several affairs in our eight years of marriage."

Through tears and sobs Karen pleaded with Steve, trying to understand the reasons for his betrayal. She knew that Steve had struggled with smoking and pornography three years before, but thought he had left those behaviors behind after going through one year of marriage counseling with her. She even admired the fact that he had joined a men's group at their church for accountability.

Feeling like she was in a nightmare, she went on to hear how Steve felt he could never live up to "Adventist standards" and how he needed "variety" in order to satisfy his appetite. He didn't deny his problem with lust, but rationalized it away as if it were any basic need, such as food or water. She wondered, "How did we get here?"

No one wakes up one day and suddenly decides to have an affair. Infidelity begins in the heart and mind. By the time a person physically commits adultery, he or she has been indulging for some time in more intense emotional and mental affairs. Often the wounded spouse is left to deal with the ashes of the broken relationship, asking the question "why?" again and again.

Allow Yourself to Grieve
Coping with infidelity is akin to coping with death. You grieve for many things: for the loss of the relationship, for the loss of your spouse, for the loss of memories and a life built together, and for the loss of a future that will never come to pass. "The words 'though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death' took on a whole new meaning for me," says Mark, a 39-year-old divorcé. "I attended a divorce recovery group at the Forest Lake Adventist Church [in Florida], and learned that the pain of my spouse's infidelity and the divorce was just a valley, a shadow, not death itself. It too would pass because God was with me."

There are four stages of grief associated with the infidelity and divorce that one must navigate: denial, depression, anger, and acceptance. Paul Donner in his article "The Four Stages of Grief" describes denial as the phase wrought with fear, dread, and panic.1 One wonders if the bills can be paid, or if changing their appearance would have kept their spouse from leaving.

Helpful things to do to get through this stage are: don't contact your spouse in any way unless children or your job is involved, make a note of each time you make an excuse for your partner's behavior, and take yourself out of the picture and ask yourself what advice you would give a friend if he or she were going through the same situation.

The second stage, depression, is about extremes. You're in a daze and cannot remember the last time you smiled. You may experience difficulty concentrating at work, difficulty sleeping, and may avoid social situations. The most important thing to keep in mind in this stage is that "this too shall pass." Ask a close friend or family member to make a list of all the reasons they love you. Seek support from your friends and church family, and keep Scripture verses on hand reminding you of God's love.

In the anger stage, any form of emotional, physical, or psychological abuse you tolerated from your former mate now appalls you. When alone, you engage his/her memory in heated arguments. To get through this stage, be sure to participate in some sort of physical activity or exercise. Consider writing a letter to your spouse. Share all your feelings, including anger, sadness, and betrayal. You may then choose to keep the letter tucked away. Burn it, bury it, or tear it up if you wish.

You know that you are in the stage of acceptance when you realize that you don't need your former mate in order to live life and enjoy it. You no longer care if he or she contacts you again, and you appreciate the good in the relationship. Hearing your spouse's name or your "special song" no longer makes you cry. Finally, you pray for your former spouse, wishing him or her love, peace, and all blessings that God has to offer.

To Forgive or Not to Forgive
"What do you mean, have I tried forgiveness?" asked Debra, a divorcée of four years. "He took away my youth . . . I gave him everything of me, for what? So that he could run off with some younger woman? He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. You don't know how I feel!"

I then calmly shared with Debra that I did know how she felt. I too was a survivor of infidelity and subsequent divorce. This is the typical response of a betrayed spouse still in the throes of anger as they try to cope with their emotional pain. I've been there. I know what that feels like. Anger is healthy and should be expressed, but when does healing begin? It begins when we first make a conscious choice to forgive.

"We forgive not because we're supposed to but when we're ready to be healed," says Lewis Smedes in the book The Art of Forgiving.2 The person who benefits the most from forgiveness is you. It is something we do for ourselves if we want to have a future full of hope, and should not depend on the person who wronged us to ask for forgiveness first. "I remember when I first decided to forgive," says Rachel. "It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt free."

Let me be clear. Forgiveness does not absolve the offending spouse of responsibility, but instead takes away the notion that they should hurt as much or more than you. It leaves you free to dream again--and one day to love again.

Forgiveness does not require that you have face-to-face contact. Though this can be cathartic, it may not always be possible. Forgiveness does not require reunion. Your spouse may have moved on, you may have moved away, or it may not be safe to meet. Neither does being forgiven qualify a person to be a friend, a husband, or partner. Forgiveness should be a private decision in one's heart to surrender them to God, wishing them no ill will.

How do we know when to forgive? Forgiveness takes time. Be patient with yourself. Take time to clarify what happened, and acknowledge your feelings. Tell God how much it hurts, and admit you need help. "We forgive when we feel God's Spirit nudging us out of the sludge of disabling resentment. When we are ready to move toward a future unshackled from a painful past we cannot undo."3

How the Church Can Help
For Adventists, divorce carries a stigma. Mark shares how he chose to drop out of church life for a time after his divorce: "While I was growing up, divorce was not something people talked about. It wasn't discussed from the pulpit. People would make comments like, 'Thank God you didn't have children.' By trying to help, sometimes they made the hurt worse." On a typical Sabbath morning the question "How are you?" is most often said as a greeting rather than asked as a question. How would you respond if your friend says, "My marriage is on the brink of divorce"? Would you know what to say or would you just mutter, "I'm sorry; I'll pray for you," and hurry along to your Sabbath school class?

As the body of Christ, we are implored to raise one another up in love and support. Just as Aaron and Hur did to Moses' arms during Israel's battle against the Amalekites in Exodus 17:8-16, we should support those in our midst facing their own battles. It's unfortunate that 50 percent of Christian marriages end in divorce. The next time you attend church, look around you: 50 percent of those seated will go through or have gone through a divorce. That realization is staggering. How then should the church respond?

Recognize when members are hurting. Are lines of communication open? Be intentional in seeking out people with whom to talk. Notice when a member begins to stay away. Make eye contact with them, and learn to recognize pain. When you see them, spend time with them, not just greet them and go about your day. Ask about their lives and relationships. For those of you who are hurting, you may need to make a conscious effort to not isolate yourself, or give in to despair and depression. Refuse to accept the label of shame, judgment, or failure. Seek counsel with godly people--pastors, counselors, and friends.

Create a culture of smallness. Small groups have been the answer for churches for the past 40 years as a way for people to be discipled. However, just because the church has small groups, it does not necessarily mean the people in these groups are becoming more Christlike. In his book The Connecting Church Randy Frazee writes that the typical life of a small group is six months. After this it just fizzles into a social group. He says this is because although group members are willing to disclose personal struggles and decisions, there is usually no invitation to challenge the choices or to hold the person accountable to an objective standard.4

The group should have a common purpose, mission, and standards of authority. Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. What has your thought life been this week? Have you gone someplace you should not have? Of course, members must be willing to tell the truth and be vulnerable. Having a circle of friends who deal with one another in grace and truth allows true intimacy and transparency to develop, and is one of the best catalysts for healing to take place.

Create a Divorce Recovery Group at your church. Being with people who are fighting the good fight against painful memories combats isolation. However, don't treat them like outsiders. Make sure they are also integrated into other aspects of church life and ministries. Doing this can give them a sense of pride, joy, and belonging.

Create a Couples Mentoring Ministry at your church. Couples whose marriages have been tried and tested should support those who are newly married and those who are struggling. During times together couples should be encouraged to play together, pray together, study the Bible together, and ask questions that pertain to roles, communication, sexuality, parenting, finances, etc. Make Hebrews 10:24, 25 and Titus 2:1-7 your creed.

Don't judge. People who have gone through a divorce should not have to leave [the church] in order to heal. Divorcées are children of God too, and need the church's support more than ever when they are hurting. Refrain from making insensitive comments. Learn to listen without giving advice. Offer assistance when asked. If you sense a need and the person is too proud to ask, give assistance anonymously. Send a card letting them know you are thinking of them. Pay them a visit. Hold them up in prayer. We are all pastors in God's sight. The one behind the pulpit shouldn't be the only one to bestow the gift of mercy and compassion.

The Lighted Path
You would think being a therapist would have guaranteed me marital bliss. When I decided to stop church hopping, as I was doing in my married life, and plant myself with a body of believers, I found the healing and support I needed. Through grieving, finding forgiveness, and receiving support from her friends and church, Karen is on the same path. Where there was once darkness in her spirit, there is now light. Where once there was despair, now there is hope.

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1 See www.couplescompany.com
2 Lewis B. Smedes, The Art of Forgiving, p. 177.
3 Ibid., p. 45.
4 Randy Frazee, The Connecting Church, p. 89.

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Lyris Bacchus is a family therapist writing from Forest Lake, Florida.