ENEE BATTLE BROOKS IS AN ASSISTANT state's attorney for Prince George's County, Maryland. She prosecutes child abuse and sexual assault cases—and is an alumna of Columbia Union College (CUC). In an article written about Renee in CUC's winter 2003 alumni paper, Reunion, she shares a story that, while extreme, aptly illustrates the misunderstandings that many people have about forgiveness.

Renee tells the story of a family in which the father molested their 10-year-old child every time the mother went to church. The father was arrested. When the mother was brought into Renee's office, she asked the mother a question: "If you had complete control, what would you want to see happen?" Her response: "Reunification. God has forgiven him, and so have I."

Renee responded, "You know, forgiveness is a good thing, and God does forgive, but what about the safety of the child?" The mother's response: "God has forgiven my husband, and so have I."

Forgiveness.

The bedrock of Christianity. The basis of our relationship with Christ. Yet I believe it is one of the most misunderstood concepts in Christendom.

In the name of forgiveness, people experience unfortunate, unjust, and even tragic events. In the name of forgiveness, people are denied justice and deprived of mercy. In the name of forgiveness, people are abused.

What Is Forgiveness?
Here are three answers to what forgiveness is NOT.

1. Forgiveness is NOT denying what happened.
The nature of forgiveness demands a need for it. We all experience little hurts at one time or another, but we forgive people who wrong or wound us seriously. Lewis Smedes states that "forgiving is for the wounds that stab at our souls."1

Unfortunately, the mother in the above story was not dealing well with reality. She seemed to believe that to forgive, one has to pretend that the event that precipitated the need for forgiveness didn't happen, or wasn't as bad as it really was.

If God had been operating under the fallacious understanding of forgiveness that we do, when Adam and Eve sinned, I could imagine Him responding to Adam and Eve's disobedience with, "Oh, that little ol' problem. That was nothing! I've forgotten all about that."

Yet while God offers us extravagant forgiveness, it came with a price: the suffering of Christ for bearing the pain of sin that we deserved.

Yes, as Christians, we are told we will suffer. And we suffer when we forgive, but it's not the suffering we think it is. We are not called to deny a wrong inflicted upon us as if it never happened, and then allow that person(s) to continue to inflict wounds and even abuse on us. "You mean pretend it never happened, and go on with business as usual?" is the cry of many—and, I believe, a legitimate cry.

To forgive is to give up our right to hate, resent, or take vengeance on the person who wronged us. We give up our right to give them what they deserve. This is the suffering we are called to as Christians.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer explains it this way: "The law of Christ, which is our duty to fulfill, is the bearing of the cross. My brother's burden which I must bear is not only his outward lot . . . but quite literally his sin. And the only way to bear that sin is by forgiving it in the power of the cross in which I now share. Thus the call to Christ always means a call to share the work of forgiving men their sins. Forgiveness is the Christlike suffering which is the Christian's duty to bear [emphasis supplied]."2

Bonhoeffer is not talking about humans forgiving human sins against God, for we know that Christ is our only mediator. He is talking about forgiving sins committed against one another. And the more I've thought about this, the more I wonder if this is what Jesus meant when in Matthew 6:14 and 15 He states that if we forgive sins against us, the Father will forgive our sins; if we refuse to forgive these sins, the Father will not forgive our sins. How can we say we are Christians and share in the sufferings of the cross if we are not willing to share in the suffering of forgiveness that was the basis for the cross?

Many years ago a person close to me wounded me deeply. What she did and said were wrong. The hurt, anger, and pain festered inside of me for a while—I don't remember how long. But one Sabbath the pastor's sermon cut me like a knife, and when that knife cut, my wound bled tears. I knew I needed to forgive her.

(It's terrible when God convicts you during a sermon. As I ran to the restroom afterward to gain some composure without becoming too conspicuous, I practically ran down an elderly woman!)

I went home that Sabbath and lay on my bed for several hours, struggling with God and crying out, "But why? She doesn't deserve it." (Quite an ironic statement to say to God, huh?) I finally walked away from that struggle giving up my hatred, resentment, and desire for vengeance. I knew I had turned a corner, because when I saw that person next, I actually felt love for her. I also walked away from that struggle a free woman.

2. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting.
"Forgive and forget" is such a warm fuzzy adage—but I believe an erroneous one. We beat ourselves up thinking we haven't truly forgiven someone if we remember what they did to us. But forgiveness doesn't require amnesia or senility! In forgiving, yes, we give up our hatred, our self-preservation, our right to get even—but we don't give up our memories. In forgiving, we heal our memories.

To again cite Lewis Smedes: "Forgiving is the only way to heal the wounds of a past we cannot change and cannot forget. Forgiveness changes a bitter memory into a grateful memory, a cowardly memory into a courageous memory, an enslaved memory into a free memory. . . . When we forgive . . . we open the door to an unseen future that our painful past had shut."3

I know some will say, "But God forgives and forgets." And they will quote Jeremiah 31:34: "I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more" (NKJV).

If you read it carefully, you will note that it does not say, "God forgives and forgets," but it says, "God forgives and will not remember." The Revised English Bible states it this way: "And their sin I shall call to mind no more." Nowhere in Scripture have I found a text that says the Lord "forgives and forgets."

Forgetfulness is a human condition. All through Scripture you'll read how the Lord constantly admonishes us to "not forget." I think we somehow confuse this idea with thinking that God, like many of us, has a faulty memory and thus forgets. God does not "remember" and "forget" in the human sense. I assure you that God does not have divine amnesia, nor does He hold the title (as I do) of the poster child for forgetfulness! God does not remember our sins because He chooses not to remember them; He chooses not to bring them to mind. Remembering or not remembering is a decision of the will.

In our forgiveness, we don't forget the wound/wrong inflicted on us. And even though forgetfulness is human, I don't believe we are expected to forget. But once we have confronted the wrong and worked through the process of forgiveness, we can choose not to bring it to mind as well.

Those times in my life—such as my story about my struggle to forgive—are still in my memory. But the only time I bring them to mind is when I'm writing or preaching about forgiveness!

The mother in Renee's story apparently had not gone through the tough process of confronting the wrong, forgiving, and choosing not to bring it to mind. She had never brought it to mind in the first place. Perhaps from a desire to avoid confronting the anger or the pain or the embarrassment, she chose to skip right over that forgiveness part and work toward reconciliation.

Which brings us to our last myth about forgiveness.

3. Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation.
If you forget everything else you've read in this article, remember this one point: Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.

As we know, forgiveness frees us from the hate, resentment, and vengeance that unforgiveness offers. It is not dependent on the offender. It can be done without the offender's knowledge. Reconciliation, however, is dependent on the offender.

"So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift" (Matt. 5:23).

This text is telling us that if we are attempting to worship God, yet know we have done something against our brother or sister, we should first go and reconcile with that person. We should go and ask for forgiveness.

That Christian brother or sister may have already forgiven us in their heart. So why then do we need to ask for forgiveness, to seek reconciliation?

Trust.

When we realize that forgiveness is not denying what happened, and that it is not forgetting, we can see more clearly the need for reconciliation—for acknowledging our part in the pain caused to the other person. Our initiation of reconciliation allows that other person to trust again, to risk being hurt, because we have acknowledged our wrong. Of course, in relationships we don't need to seek forgiveness and reconciliation for every little thing; minor incidents in relationships are sometimes best taken care of by not being taken care of! We know our loved one enough to know they meant no harm. But those "wounds that stab at our souls" must be confronted and dealt with—when doing so brings no further harm to that person or other persons involved.

Lest we think that merely harsh words don't stab at our souls, listen to what Christ says before He speaks about reconciliation: "You have heard that it was said . . . 'You shall not murder'; and 'whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.' But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, 'You fool,' you will be liable to the hell of fire" (Matt. 5:21, 22). In the vernacular of our day "Fool" could be translated, "You idiot!" "I can't believe how stupid you are!" "You'll never amount to anything."

Christ is saying that the law relegates murder to the act. But the Spirit of the law informs us that if we commit verbal murder—destroying someone's soul with our words—we're also in danger of hell.

How about our relationship with God? Does forgiveness equate with reconciliation?

Many texts speak of the reconciliation that Jesus brought at the cross (Rom. 5:10; Col. 1:21, 22; 2 Cor. 5:18), and I think we get confused and equate forgiveness with reconciliation. But as I understand Scripture, in order to receive this forgiveness and reconciliation offered through the cross, the offender (that's us) must act.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not perish but may have eternal life [emphasis supplied]" (John 3:16). We must acknowledge our sin (repent) so we can build a relationship of mutual trust with God.4

Our Calling
We are called to forgive; for the Christian there is no other option. However, I don't believe we are called to allow someone to continue to abuse and harm us when it is within our power to stop it. We then become accomplices to someone else's sin. When we forgive, we open the way for reconciliation, for trust to be rebuilt within the relationship.

What about the mother in our story? She said she forgave her husband. That's a good thing. (Except that it was the child who was directly wronged. Where's her voice?) But forgiveness does not automatically reconcile a relationship. The offender must act.

Forgiveness is not an easy work; the cross testifies to that. But it is the only way for us to be truly free to love. Reconciliation is not an easy work; but it is the only way to restore trust in relationships.

Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.

How many of us will it take to reveal Christ to the world?

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*Unless otherwise noted all Bible quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version.

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1 Lewis Smedes, The Art of Forgiveness (New York: Random House Publishing Group, 1996), p. 21.
2 Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (New York: MacMillan Publishing Company, 1959), p. 100.
3 Smedes, p. 176.
4 See also Acts 3:19; Rom. 10:9, 20; and other texts that deal with the topic of repentance.

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Bonita Joyner Shields is an assistant editor of the Adventist Review.