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BY BETH VAN METER
 T WAS A BEAUTIFUL SUMMER NIGHT, AND a soft breeze rustled the
bedroom curtains as I slept peacefully beside my husband. Suddenly we were both
awakened by fierce yelling and desperate screams for help. Just two floors up,
the storm raged fiercely—again. Our new neighbors were young, and the wife
was noticeably pregnant, just as I was. In our old off-campus apartment, it
sounded like a war was waging above us. We heard cursing, the sounds of running
feet, pounding like someone was trying to batter down a locked door, and then
screams and blows. I remember shaking, wishing it would stop, fearing for the
girl and her unborn child. After what seemed like hours, though it was probably
only minutes, there was quiet. What should we do? Call the police? Intervene?
Shortly afterward, I came home from work to find they had moved from our building.
Learning to ask the hard questions
Time passed. While in graduate school to become a family nurse practitioner,
I developed a particular interest in the topic of violence against women. I
became more comfortable asking the hard questions. Along with taking a health
history (including lifestyle practices, "Do you smoke?" "Do you
drink?" "Do you wear your safety belt?"), I included, "Are
you safe at home?" I found that if I was willing to risk asking women this
question, I would hear stories that boggled the mind and chilled the soul.
On one occasion I stepped into a small examination room to see
a middle-aged woman lying on her side, holding her abdomen. The initial entry
in her chart indicated a complaint of indigestion and abdominal pain. Her chart
was very thick, indicating many visits to the hospital, the emergency department,
and our medical practice. As I examined her, I took her history, including asking,
"Are you safe at home?" The tears started flowing. She said that no
one had ever asked her that question before. Imagine the largest problem you've
ever encountered in your life, and you can't tell anyone about it.
Untold Stories
If we are in a safe environment, there is a tendency to see domestic violence
as only someone else's problem--another community, another neighborhood, another
church. But the reality is that there are many women, our sisters in faith,
who are hurting in our own churches—but hurting silently. Most women are
reluctant to share such a painful secret, as there is shame and guilt attached.
I remember one church leader's wife who shared her story, once
we had developed a trust relationship. Early in their marriage when she was
pregnant, her husband became enraged and hit her so hard she was knocked across
the room. He never hit her again, but all he needed to do was raise his voice
or give "that look," to have her appease him and give in to his demands—peace
at any price.
Or take the situation of emotional abuse, in which the wife
was constantly being told she was too fat, her ideas were stupid, and she was
belittled in front of the children.
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Violence Against Women Statistics Affects one fourth of American families.
Estimates of annual health-care costs for victims range from $5-$10 billion.
Accounts for 100,000 hospitalization days and 70,000 emergency room visits.
One woman is beaten every 18 seconds.
One woman in six is abused during pregnancy.
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I've heard women tell of isolation, living in a small town where
calling the police means calling your abuser's brother. Of women married to
prominent citizens not being allowed any money and having to account for every
phone call they made, every visitor to their home, every person seen when going
to the store. Of God-fearing, church-attending women with broken bones and injuries
requiring stitches, and with broken spirits being counseled by their parents
and pastors to try to be better wives, and to "stand by your man,"
reminding them that marriage is a lifetime commitment. Of women as much a prisoner
to their partner as is a captive in the prison system.
One of the saddest stories I know is that of a beautiful Christian woman who,
along with her husband, successfully raised a family. They were respected pillars
in their church, very active in church programs, and generous financial supporters.
Their children attended Adventist schools from elementary school through college.
And no one outside the family knew that, for years, the husband regularly beat
his wife. After he died, and she had become a frail, elderly person, whose memory
would take her back in time, her caregiver would sometimes find her trembling,
crouched behind a chair hiding, as she had done in earlier days to try to escape
him.
What Is Domestic Violence?
"Domestic" is such a bland word. It is used to describe pets that
are tame, and workers who are employed in the home. But domestic violence is
anything but tame. It is physical aggression, including hitting, kicking, slapping
and shoving, grabbing, biting, beating up, and threatening with a weapon. It
includes emotional abuse, sexual coercion, and psychological torture. It knows
no gender, race, or age barrier, and affects families of all financial statuses
and cultures. In America it is now identified as a social and public-health
emergency, a virtual epidemic. Child abuse and elder abuse are a big part of
family violence, issues that deserve our attention; but in this article we will
limit our focus to partner abuse.
Domestic violence, or family violence, occurs in the one place
people should be safe—their own home. A woman may be safer on the street
than she is in her own home. Overwhelmingly, women are the victims in partner
abuse. It is estimated that some form of violence is experienced in one fourth
of American families. The ultimate domestic violence is murder. Homicide statistics
for women indicate that between 40-50 percent are murdered by their abusive
partners. It is an unusual day to not pick up the newspaper and read about the
murder of a woman, or hear on the radio about a "missing person,"
the disappearance of a woman. Violence is the single largest killer of women
ages 14-44.
A large part of violence against women is the issue of control
and dominance, and is often a chronic, continuous experience causing disempowerment.
There is often a cycle of violence that starts with increasing levels of tension,
anger, and threats, breaks out into a violent act, and is followed by a period
of "repentance" on the part of the abuser. The period after the violence
is termed the "honeymoon" period when the abuser tries to win her
back, promises it will never happen again.
Until the next time.
Healthy People 2000 (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 1990) has
identified domestic violence as clearly a health-care issue. As one of the top
22 issues taking precedence, the issue of violent and abusive behavior is addressed,
including an objective to reduce woman abuse, rape and attempted rape, assault,
and homicide. The American Medical Association (AMA) and the American Nurses
Association (ANA) have also developed position statements on physical violence
against women. In 2003 the Seventh-day Adventist Church joined the United Nations
Commission on the Status of Women in advocating for an end to gender-based violence.
How do our religious beliefs shape our response to family
violence?
Jesus gave us a direct commandment: love one another (John
15:17). Perfect love casts out fear, and leaves no room for violence. Paul tells
us, "There is no such thing as . . . male and female; for you are all one
person in Christ Jesus" (Gal. 3:28, NEB). A model of the ideal relationship,
of how men and women should treat each other, is found in 1 Peter 3:7: "You
husbands must conduct your married life with understanding: pay honour to the
woman's body, not only because it is weaker, but also because you share together
in the grace of God which gives you life" (NEB).
 Sometimes texts that refer to submission, such as 1 Peter 3:1,
are used to assert that the wife must do whatever her husband says—remember,
he's the boss. When read in context, the text does not say woman is inferior,
a second-class citizen. Just the opposite—a man is to love his wife as
much as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it (Eph. 5:25). Here
women are compared with the highest work of God, His church. Would Jesus batter
and beat the church? Would he demoralize and demean it? Of course not. In fact,
throughout His ministry, Christ sought to elevate the status of women, whether
by talking to the Samaritan woman at the well, healing the woman with a bleeding
disorder, or answering Martha's demand that He raise her brother Lazarus. Nothing
in our Judeo-Christian heritage supports domestic violence.
In his book Stop Domestic Violence, Francois Dubau refers
to Jesus' story of how a man bullies and beats his servants when the master
is away (Luke 12:45, 46). When the master returns, the batterer will be punished.
"To whom much is given, from him much will be required." The Bible
teaches that a wife is a valuable gift from God, and by harming her, the man
rejects God, God's teachings, and God's love.*
Stopping the Cycle
Domestic violence feeds on ignorance. To fight it, we need to bring it out into
the light of public examination. As a church, we can become part of the solution.
One of the first steps is prevention.
Myths of Domestic Violence Myth 1: Battering occurs infrequently.—Around the
world, one woman in three has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused.
Myth 2: Abuse happens only to weak women.—Even the
strongest women are abused, and are confronted with repeated verbal, physical,
and emotional abuse.
Myth 3: Women never leave their abusers.—In one
study, 38 percent left in the first two years of abuse.
Myth 4: Battered women can just leave.—Family and
social pressure, shame, financial barriers, and even religious beliefs may make
it harder for a woman to leave.
Myth 5: Domestic abuse is a private matter.—We have
a responsibility to care for one another.
Myth 6: Men abuse only if it's the alcohol or the drugs talking.—Substance
abuse removes inhibitions, but it doesn't excuse violence.
Myth 7: It's the woman's fault; women cause their beatings.—The
responsibility lies with the abuser.
Myth 8: Once a victim, always a victim.—With God's
grace, and the help of caring individuals, the cycle of abuse can be broken.
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In prevention of violence against women, primary prevention
must be based on a cultural norm that violence in the family is unacceptable.
It should begin with education in the home. The youngest members of our society
can learn that "we solve problems with our brains, not our fists."
We need to teach that it's OK to be angry, but it's not OK to strike out. We
need to give a clear message that no one deserves to be hit. In our churches
and in our school system, we need to promote and model a nonviolent approach
to life; this includes not glorifying heroes of either sex that fight, slash,
and shoot their way to be top dog. It includes rewarding the talents of debate
or a well-crafted argument as highly as that of kicking a soccer goal.
The next step in prevention of domestic violence is accomplished
through identification and intervention. Under many state laws, counties are
required to provide a shelter, a safe place for a woman and her children to
take refuge when needed. Better legal protection for a woman's rights exists.
Shelters often have advocacy programs. We can be involved in placing brochures
in public places, for example in the women's restroom, where a woman can take
the literature without being observed.
It has been shown that the largest single factor influencing
women to seek help is someone who exhibited compassion, awareness, and respect
for the woman's decision-making ability. Here's where the caring Christian comes
in. When we suspect someone's home life is jeopardizing their safety, we can
be a friend, the safe listener. We don't have to know all the resources available,
but we can refer them to someone who does. There is a risk in reaching out to
friends and acquaintances. We may feel inadequate and frustrated. And they may
never choose to be safe. With that risk, however, comes the opportunity to care,
to be a "little point of light" to a woman in crisis.
Once a woman has decided to take the first step toward leaving
a violent situation, she goes from being "at risk" to "highest
risk." A woman who is considering leaving an abusive situation may be in
danger of losing her life if her partner finds out. A safety plan is imperative,
and this is where a professional counselor is essential. Shelters will be able
to advise on the steps to take. She may need help from the legal system in getting
her belongings out of the home, or in keeping the abuser away. Once out of the
trap of pain and hurt, she can begin the healing process.
Part of the Solution
I still think of that young couple from my college days and wonder what ever
happened to them. A mentality exists among us that a "home is your castle,"
and that outsiders have no right to interfere. Should we have called the police?
Did mother and baby make it? Were they able to establish a happy home, or was
violence a way of life extending into the next generation? If we had it to do over, we would have dialed 911.
We would have been part of the solution. Certainly
we missed an opportunity to reach out and be a friend, and we'll never know
how the ending might have been changed. Armed with facts and courage, we can
make a difference. We can be proactive in our churches and the larger community
to end this crime, to bring the love of Jesus to a hurting world, and to end
the unseen tears.
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*Francois Dubau, in Lou Brown, Francois Dubau, and Merritt McKeon,
Stop Domestic Violence: An Action Plan for Saving Lives (New York: St.
Martin's Griffin, 1997).
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Beth Van Meter is a nurse practitioner on the faculty of Montgomery College,
in Takoma Park, Maryland, and a parish nurse for her church in Spencerville.
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