BY OLIVER EDWARDS
OW MANY OF YOU IN THE AUDIENCE have children?" Of the
approximately 200 parents sitting sleepily in their seats, about one third slowly
raised their hands. "Now, let me pose another question. How many of you
in the audience have children who sometimes give you problems?" Up went
most of the hands in the audience.
As a Seventh-day Adventist and a psychologist, I am frequently
called upon to give presentations in our churches on family life issues. In
many cases some parents attend these sessions not because they especially want
to, but because they want to please their spouses, who request their attendance.
I find that asking these questions awakens my dozing participants and engages
them in the topic.
It was not surprising that more hands were raised, and raised
rather quickly, for the second question than for the first. We parents play
such a significant role in bringing to life God's wonderful and beautiful creations
called children. We anticipate our children's birth with great joy; and then
when they arrive, we are faced with the formidable task of raising them correctly.
Yet after only a little time spent in the company of children, even the indifferent
observer realizes that children rarely are wonderful and beautiful all the time!
The First Child
Parenting problems began with the first child, Cain. One can readily imagine
the difficulties Cain put his parents through—long before sibling rivalry
led to sibling murder. I suspect he started his rebellious behavior as the typical
strong-willed child, defiant and disobedient. Mother Eve's and father Adam's
hearts surely ached because of Cain's behavior. They likely were bewildered
as to why Cain behaved in such an obstinate manner. Adam and Eve probably wondered
what they did wrong and what they could have done differently.
We do not know whether his parents were at fault in Cain's failings,
but perhaps they blamed themselves, as many parents with willful children do
today. Unfortunately, they were unable to help Cain change his defiant behavior.
Fortunately, they also raised Abel and Seth, whose behaviors seemed to differ
substantially from Cain's. This suggests their parenting skills, or lack thereof,
were not exclusively to blame for Cain's misbehavior. Each of us is responsible
for our own behavior, for God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we
can bear (1 Cor. 10:13). Adam and Eve's experiences with Cain should ease the
conscience of many of today's parents. Despite their closeness to God, their
child went astray.
Today's Child
My first child was born about 10 years ago, and minutes after her birth I was
struck by the thought, What now? How am I to raise this child into the
image and likeness of God? I had difficulty helping to raise my family's pet
dog. I had difficulty raising myself, and living the authentic Christian
life. I surely do not expect my daughter to turn out to be another Cain, but
what should I do to help her become like Christ? Thankfully, my wife and I are
united, willingly sharing the experiences of child rearing—the mistakes,
the sleepless nights, as well as the triumphs. Children indeed are a blessing
from the Lord (Ps. 127:3-5), but raising them correctly is a challenge.
Over these 10 years my wife and I have learned a great deal
about what God requires of parents. And I have condensed what we have learned
into 10 principles, which I have titled "A Parent's Top Ten." These
principles should not be considered commandments. I'm not so pretentious to
believe that I could generate 10 commandments for parents! I believe, though,
that these principles can help parents fill their children's hearts to overflowing
with love for Jesus.
A Parent's Top Ten
1. Godly parents dedicate each child to the Lord every day. As
Adventists we often dedicate our children to the Lord a few weeks after they
are born. Moreover, we sometimes tend to pray most fervently for our children
who give us the most problems. But all of our children need to be dedicated
to the Lord in prayer every day. As Jesus prayed for us, His children, we need
to daily pray for each of our children.
2. Godly parents love children unconditionally.
Unconditional love means always valuing and accepting our children as
unique and worthwhile creations of God. Through unconditional love children
are able to develop from immature to mature Christians without fear that each
mistake will lead them to be rejected. Unconditional love means being willing
to forgive even grievous wrongs. Unconditional love does not mean agreeing with
everything our children say or do, or that we will allow them to live outside
the boundaries and rules we set.
3. Godly parents treat children with respect.
It's almost impossible for our children to respect us and others if we do not
respect them first. Respect doesn't mean that children should be treated as
parents' equals; neither should they be treated as material possessions. Sometimes
we unwittingly give our children a new middle name. For instance, on occasion
my daughter may think her middle name is "Do," as in Rebekah "Do"
Edwards. As parents we all too often say, "________, do this . . ."
or "________, do that . . ." In our homes it's acceptable for children
to have responsibilities, but they should have rights as well.
4. Godly parents teach children the importance of language
and communication. From the time children are very young we need to
train them to communicate. Communication can build bridges and break down barriers.
The saying "children should be seen and not heard" is wrong, and is
harmful to their health and happiness. Don't merely "shush" them when
they interrupt. Ask them to please wait until you are finished. Talk to them.
At dinner, at family worship, get your children talking, communicating, and
taking a large part in the activities. When they become teens, they will be
more willing to talk to us, their parents. Listen and try to understand your
children when they confide in you. Children need a shoulder to lean on and cry
on, and that's one reason God gave them parents.
5. Godly parents compassionately discipline children.
Waiting too long to discipline might just be too late. As a psychologist working
with public schools, I see far too many parents who refuse to discipline their
children and prefer to drug them with Ritalin, Concerta, and Risperdal for ADHD
(attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and behavior problems. These parents
trust drugs to control their children's behavior when, many times, simply trusting
God by starting early in applying His principles of consistent discipline would
make all the difference in the world. (I'm not suggesting that the use of medication
is never acceptable.)
6. Godly parents observe children's strengths and weaknesses
and lead them in the direction God wants them to go. Children shouldn't
be forced to become something their parents hoped to become themselves but could
not. Our children need not become the next great pastor, musician, or doctor
simply because we wanted one of those roles for ourselves but could not achieve
it. Children need to develop and express their individual personality, not their
parents' personalities, becoming less dependent on their parents and more dependent
on God. Ask and trust God to help you direct them where the talents with which
He has gifted them will best be used.
7. Godly parents live as true Christians, allowing children
to see Christ in us. Parents who want the Lord to bless their children
must first live righteously. The Bible says children will be blessed when their
parents model integrity (Prov. 20:7). A truism often heard in our churches is
that "by beholding we become changed." The behaviors children observe
in their parents over the first 10 years of the children's lives often become
part of the children's characters as they mature to adulthood. The old adage
is relevant here: "I'd rather see a sermon than hear one."
8. Godly parents provide children with an Adventist education.
The Bible says that "all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and
great shall be the peace of thy children" (Isa. 54:13). We know that one
does not need to attend church school to achieve success. Many public school
graduates have attained tremendous material and religious success. However,
it seems to me that persons who spend years under God's tutelage are much better
able to deal with the stressors of daily living. If we choose not to send our
children to an Adventist school, they should still be taught of the Lord through
family worship, Bible study in the home, Sabbath school, and Pathfinders.
9. Godly parents provide a church and community environment
for children in which they are exposed to more positive peer pressure than negative
peer pressure. After our children reach the teen years, parents tend
to have less influence on them than do their peers. We need to structure their
environments during the teen years in order for them to be exposed to peers
who will help rather than hurt their Christian development. Remember the positive
influences exerted among Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
10. Godly parents show children that it is only through
a love relationship with God that they will find the path that leads to heaven.
Without a relationship with God humans can never truly determine whether they
are taking the right or the wrong fork in the road. Through the study of His
Word, the Bible, our children can develop the moral map to accurately show if
their behaviors are leading them on the right path.
Filling the Well
A good friend of mine has a quaint old saying that I find profound: "What's
in the well comes up in the bucket." The meaning is simple: What is
in the heart shows in the way we live. I want the character of Jesus Christ
to appear whenever a bucket is dipped in my well or my children's wells.
_________________________
Oliver Edwards, Ph.D., is an assistant professor with the school psychology
program at the University of Central Florida.
