BY STANLEY R. STEVENSON

OGER WAS SITTING QUIETLY IN THE waiting room staring out the window at the changing autumn leaves when I entered and invited him into my office. He glanced up and without speaking followed my lead and sat down. I knew why he had come; the referral sheet indicated that his wife made the appointment because of "sexual issues." But I asked, "What brings you here today, and how can I help?" He hesitated for a long moment, then said softly, "My wife wanted me to come because she thinks I have a problem."

That was the dubious beginning of my journey with Roger, a small quiet man of 42 who looked younger than his age. He was a good husband, a devoted father, a member in good standing in his local church. I would come to find out, however, that this was not the only life he was living. He had a secret life, one that was destroying everything he was working so hard to maintain. Roger was a sex addict.

The traditional Christian response to addiction is that addiction is sin and must be dealt with accordingly. The church has long held that individuals must give up their addiction of choice before baptism. But does this allow a deeper, more compassionate understanding of the sinner? After all, not all addiction is sin. There are positive activities many of us engage in that, though they meet the criteria for addiction, we accept and even praise. Perhaps understanding addiction--and pornography addiction in particular--as a treatable disease will broaden the scope of our response in reaching those strugglers among us whom we have marginalized, and we will come to see it is a disease that requires radical lifestyle changes and appropriate treatment.

The evils of alcohol and tobacco addiction have long been the focus of revivalist preachers and advocates of healthful living. Sexual addiction, though, has only been whispered about in the private realm of the physician's or counselor's office. But development of the Internet has brought graphic sexuality streaming into our homes, workplaces, and consciousnesses at warp speed with convenient and limitless access. Those drinking it in are not only deviants; they are young people, executives, teachers, mothers, fathers, ministers, and children. We face a societal addiction that requires the same bold confrontation and treatment that alcohol and tobacco received.

Self-Test for Sexual Addiction 1. Preoccupation with looking at the opposite sex or other visual sexual stimuli. 2. Flirtatious behavior. 3. Evidence of pornography usage on the computer or with video tapes or magazines. 4. Insisting on their own Internet account and e-mail address. 5. Unexplained credit card bills. 6. Unexplained absences or patterns of late-night working, especially when the reasons given are inconsistent or contradictory. 7. Having a separate post office box where they can receive correspondence from affair partners or people they meet in chat rooms. 8. Staying up late after everyone else has gone to bed so they can log on to the Internet privately. 9. Quickly changing Internet sites when you walk into the room when they are online. 10. Emotional and spiritual distance between the two of you. 11. Sudden decrease in the normal pattern of sex. If the addict is channeling all their sexual energy into pornography, fantasizing, and masturbation, they may exhibit low or no interest in physical intimacy within the marriage. This is called sexual anorexia. 12. Sudden increase in demand for sex, especially sexual practices that make you uncomfortable. 13. A sense that your spouse is "not there" mentally and emotionally during lovemaking. 14. Increase in moodiness, anger, and harsh blaming. If you, or someone you know, exhibits several of these behaviors, it may be an indication of a problem with addictive sexual behavior. Consider discussing your concerns with that person in a calm, nonaccusatory manner. If your concerns persist, talk to a counselor. http://www.themeadows.org

Carol Cannon, clinical director of The Bridge, a treatment center for addictive disorders, writes, "The fact that struggling souls seek solace in the Christian community is good reason for churches and church leaders to gain both a scientific and a grace-based understanding of sexual addiction and compulsion."¹

Indeed, the cornerstone of Christ's mission was to demonstrate how to care compassionately for the most misunderstood, rejected ones--a blueprint for the church to follow. Ellen G. White remarks in The Desire of Ages, "The Saviour has given His precious life in order to establish a church capable of caring for sorrowful, tempted souls."² It is our (the church's) responsibility to gain the appropriate knowledge and skills in order to understand fully and help those who are silently struggling the most. In so doing we will do more than rail against "the sin"; we will reach the whole person.

The Elements of Addiction
Denial: Addicts deny to themselves and to those close to them that they have a problem, often using tactics such as minimizing, justifying, and/or blaming others for their behavior.

Attempted abstinence: Addicts try to stop, but cannot. Some addicts may go months or even years between acting-out episodes, but the behavior always resurfaces when certain circumstances precipitate it, such as stress or relational conflict. Continuation occurs despite adverse consequences, such as loss of marriage, job, money, health, friends, or reputation.

Escalation: In the case of pornography addiction there is the need for greater frequency or for rougher, more explicit, or more deviant images for the same effect. Increasingly greater risks are taken over time as well-for example: going to a local video store to rent video porn.³

As reported by Gary Hopkins and Joyce Hopp,⁴ behavioral addictions involve no external drugs, yet research indicates they cause changes in brain chemistry, such as the release within the brain of endorphins that help reinforce and perpetuate addictive behavior. Work, compulsive gambling, sports, or other activities can also be defined as addictions when the behavior meets the above criteria. Often these activities are used to avoid negative feelings such as stress, sadness, grief, loss, rejection, worthlessness, low self-esteem, or failure. Addicts hope to fill the void inside of them with meaning, so they use these behaviors in order to feel good, to comfort themselves, and to change their mood. These are unhealthy ways of nurturing one's self.

In order to understand fully how Roger arrived at this place in his life, it was necessary to look for clues in his life's journey to this point. Roger's father was an authoritarian who ruled the home with a thundering hand. He often preached to his family about the decadence in society and the church and wielded the Bible like a sword, cutting whomever he felt needed "rebuking." He employed abusive corporal punishment on his son, telling him this was for his own good, that it was a father's duty not to spare the rod. Roger wanted very much to have the freedom he saw the other kids experiencing, but was afraid to ask his father for any deviation from the strict regimen of school and work. His childhood was lonely; he had few friends and little self-esteem.

At 14 Roger stumbled across the discarded pages of a pornographic magazine on the side of the road. He felt a surge of adrenaline flow throughout his body as he scanned the images; he had never felt anything like this before. Over time Roger referred to those pages again and again and was particularly drawn to them after being lectured to by his father or after another torturous day of not being recognized at school. Looking at the pictures seemed to empower him, lift his spirits inexplicably. He felt special but also guilty, and vowed from time to time never to look at the pictures he hid in a drawer beneath his socks.

I asked Roger to describe the reason he thought his wife wanted him to see me. He said that she was complaining about the long hours he was working and that she didn't like his spending so much time on the computer and watching videos in his free time. She said he didn't seem as interested in the rest of the family as he once did. "She doesn't understand the pressure I'm under at work," he said as he looked into the distance through the window. "I work hard so she can stay at home and raise the kids." His eyes turned dark as he looked me straight in the eye for the first time. "I deserve some time to myself. Besides," he said, softly looking at the carpet, "she's insecure and has some emotional problems." I asked what his current relationship with pornography was like. He blushed, fidgeted with the fabric on the couch, and said, "Oh, that's not that big of a deal." But as I was to find out later during joint sessions with his wife, it was a very big deal. Over time Roger had graduated to more explicit forms of pornography and took great risks of being found out by renting videos at the local video rental store. He spent time at work and at home on the Web looking for porn sites; he mentally undressed every woman he met; and he fantasized about their wanting him sexually. Roger was still in denial about being a sex addict.

Identifying Sexual Addiction
Sexual addiction is classified by levels that represent groups of behaviors. They do not necessarily lead progressively to the next level. The level of sexual addiction is important to establish in order to understand the seriousness of the addiction and the consequences the addict may be facing. Although the consequences of the addictive behavior increase at the higher levels, an individual can have life-controlling, relationship-damaging problems at any addiction level. Despite confessions such as that of serial killer Ted Bundy, who admitted just prior to his execution that he was addicted to pornography, most sex addicts remain on one level.

There are four general levels of sexual addiction.

Level One: obsession with repressing one's own sexuality or the sexuality of others. Characteristics: frigidity, impotence, obsessive sexual purity, denied sexual obsession, sexual anorexia, sexualizing of others, compulsive masturbation, sexual fantasizing, use of pornography.

Level Two: passive sexual behavior. Characteristics: excessive fantasizing, passive involvement with pornography, and voyeurism.

Level Three: active sexual behavior. Characteristics: excessive masturbation, active voyeurism or exhibitionism, prostitution, telephone sex, Internet sex chat rooms, affairs, massage parlors, strip bars.

Level Four: active criminal sexual behavior. Characteristics: pedophilia (child molestation), prostitution, rape, incest, sadomasochism.

Criteria for Sexual Addiction and Coaddiction
Pornography addicts, like other addicts, often come from dysfunctional homes in which parents were chemically dependent, sexually addicted, abusive, or otherwise emotionally unavailable and rigid. They also come from good Christian homes, are well educated, and successful. A survey by Patrick Carnes concludes that homes lacking in nurture and emotional support of children tend to produce children who are vulnerable to sexual exploitation. More than half of sex addicts surveyed come from a rigid, emotionally disengaged family.

Sexually abused children may grow up fearing sex, confusing sex with love, or believing that the only way to relate to others is sexually. Some families did not have overt incest, but a heightened sense of sexuality was present. Sexually explicit material was present, or sexual comments (e.g., a father remarking on his daughter's body) were made repeatedly. Privacy in the bathroom and bedroom may have been lacking. In such families discussion of sex may be taboo, or sex may be considered disgusting. As a result, children grow up lacking accurate information about sex and can grow up believing that sex is powerful and dangerous.⁵

Recovery
The seriousness of pornography addiction in the United States is evidenced by the increasing attention it is receiving in the media. Religious and secular magazine articles, television shows, and radio are beginning to spread the word about the effects and treatment of this addiction. On a recent Christian call-in radio program a caller said the only way he had been able to make it for the past two years in his recovery from pornography addiction was with the help of God and his 12-step program. As another sex addict put it: "The single most important point about recovery is that you can't recover alone. You must seek out safe people--such as a 12-step program sponsor, counselors, and friends--to help you learn and practice a new way of life." She concludes with a great truth: "Your private confessions to God will result in His forgiveness, but they won't bring you permanent sobriety and transformation. Accountability and fellowship are crucial."

Pornography addiction is an arousal addiction as opposed to a satiation addiction, such as one to alcohol, caffeine, etc. Addicts use their eyes to drink in sexualized images that are stored in their mind to be recalled at any time. Any image or person can be sexualized and used by the addict to feel good, powerful, or special. Pornography addicts don't only indulge in their habit while looking at erotic images; they can be walking down the street, sitting in the church pew, standing in line at the bank, or kneeling in prayer when they retrieve the images. The addiction is always alive just below the surface and does not easily show itself in a person's life, which makes it difficult for others to identify and understand. The secretive nature of this addiction contributes to the difficulty of treatment and recovery. For recovering addicts these images stored in the brain come flooding back to remind them of their weakness and to taunt them.

Recommended Reading When Good Men Are Tempted by Bill Perkins (Zondervan Publishing, 1997). Highly readable book on temptation, by a pastor and popular men's speaker. Possibly the best explanation in print on how God wired men sexually. Very educational for wives, although it will probably be upsetting. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. (CompCare Publications, 1983). Classic text on sexual addiction from the most-recognized expert in the U.S. on the subject. Addicted to "Love" by Stephen Arterburn (Vine Books/ Servant, 1991). One of the classic Christian books on sex addiction, well researched and informative. Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction & the Healing Power of Jesus by Russell Willingham (InterVarsity Press, 1999). Practical, biblical, and balanced, with an especially helpful perspective on why it's difficult to recover from sexual addiction within the church.

Pornography addiction affects everyone in the family because the addict's focus is in pursuing a relationship with fantasized images--nonrelationships. Because pornography use begins relatively early in life, the addict's view of opposite-sex relationships is shaped by what he or she has been viewing. Real relationships cannot compete with the distorted fantasy of pornography. This becomes confusing and shaming to significant others as they futilely attempt to engage in a meaningful relationship with the addict. The addict eventually becomes emotionally, sexually, and spiritually unavailable as more time, energy, and money are invested in the addiction. Addicts spend time with the things they love.

Recovery from pornography addiction begins when the individuals are able to admit to themselves and someone else that they are unable to control the addictive behavior. This point is not likely arrived at through the pleading of a friend or relative; it often comes when the consequences of continuing the behavior are severe enough. For some it could be the realization that they have lost the love and respect of family and friends. It could be the loss of a job, the disdain of coworkers, or public humiliation. It is different for each person, but sooner or later the addict is confronted with the decision either to continue becoming disenfranchised or to make a radical lifestyle change.

Roger's denial prevented him from immediately taking treatment advice to enter a sex addicts' 12-step program and get a sponsor. He periodically discontinued counseling, declaring that he had created a safe environment at home by insisting that his wife be an early-warning device. She was responsible to monitor his computer and video use and had to make sure he was not left at home alone for too long. This drew her in as a codependent of his disease.

Roger believed that if he prayed enough and attended church enough, he would be religious enough to overcome his addiction. He spent hours weeping over passages in the Bible such as Psalm 101:3; Romans 6 and 7; and 1 Corinthians 6. He got no release. He had begun substituting religious addiction for his primary addiction.

Roger relapsed numerous times. He couldn't break the cycle of surfing the Internet, renting videos, and fantasizing about every woman he saw, even while in church. Meanwhile his wife began focusing on her own recovery by attending an S-Anon (for family and friends of sex addicts) meeting on a regular basis. She met other spouses who were struggling with the same issues she was dealing with. They understood her pain and frustration; they taught her how to create boundaries, deal with the guilt she carried, and how to care for herself. Roger felt everything in his world slipping away as he saw his wife becoming stronger and his children pulling away from him. The pain of potentially losing his family became more intolerable than the shame of asking for help. He started attending SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meetings and got a sponsor who was willing to mentor him.

Recommended Reading For Partners An Affair of the Mind: One Woman's Courageous Battle to Salvage Her Family from the Devastation of Pornography by Laurie Hall (Focus on the Family, 1996). Popular, first person narrative of the author's journey toward healing. Back From Betrayal by Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D. (Hazelden, 1988). Still the classic text for wives recovering from their husbands' affairs, and from their own co-addiction, written by a woman who's been there. Beyond Love: A 12 Step Guide for Partners by Douglas Weiss, PhD. (Discovery Press, 1995). Workbook for 12 Step group for wives of sex addicts. Good for individual or group. Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie (Hazelden, 1987). The classic on how to disengage from your spouse's addiction and walk your own path toward health.

Recovery from addiction to pornography can be complicated for many Christians because of their belief that spirituality and religion are all they need to win the battle. This spiritualized denial can subtly prevent them from accessing the very help they desperately need. Indeed, the fulfillment and forgiveness a rich spiritual experience offers is a significant factor in recovery. But there is no substitution for addicts admitting daily to themselves and to others that they are an addict and receiving grace-filled acceptance. Accountability is the light that exposes the secret.

Janine, a recovering addicted person, writes, "Praying, claiming Bible promises, and the loving support of Christian family and friends saved my life when it did not seem worth living in addiction. I could not have survived without good Christian counseling, 12-step programs, and, at times, medication. How shaming it was for me to have to employ the latter three recovery means. But God gave me the willingness to go to any lengths for help. Is it risky to go to a counselor? Yes, but addiction is far riskier."

This addiction is a disease that requires full-scale spiritual, psychological, and emotional restoration for the one struggling and for those in their life. As a community of believers living by the restorative power of the cross, we need education about this secret that is silently entering lives that are spiritually well guarded against Satan's many other more obvious ploys. We need to know how to reach those among us whom we might not expect to be vulnerable to this addiction and who are so locked in a cycle of guilt and shame that they can't reach out for help. Individuals and families need loving support, spiritual and professional guidance, as they become untangled from the web of addiction. Recovery is possible through the saving grace of Christ and through those who are trained to provide grace-filled, compassionate treatment.

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¹ Carol Cannon, "Addicted to Sex," Signs of the Times, September 2000, p. 19.
² Ellen G. White, The Desire of Ages (Mountain View, Calif.: Pacific Press Pub. Assn., 1898), p. 640.
³ A. Goodman, "Addiction Defined Diagnostic Criteria for Addictive Disorder," American Journal of Preventative Psychiatry and Neurology 2, no. 1 (1989): 12-15.
⁴ The epidemic of pornography addiction around the world and its presence in the Christian church was outlined by Gary Hopkins and Joyce Hopp in their article "The Pornography Addiction," Adventist Review, October 2001.
⁵ J. P. Schneider, "How to Recognize the Signs of Sexual Addiction: Asking the Right Questions May Uncover Serious Problems, Journal of Postgraduate Medicine-Sexual Addictions 90 (1991): 6.

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Stanley R. Stevenson, M.A., M.S.W., is a licensed counselor in private practice in the Berrien Springs, Michigan, area. He and his wife, Rene Drumm, and their two daughters will be relocating to Southern Adventist University, where he will be teaching in the Social Work Department.