BY ARLENE TAYLOR
ESTLESS WITH THE FLIGHT delay, the teenager absentmindedly tossed the silver dollar into the air and caught it. I watched as the action was repeated over and over. A split-second distraction, and the coin rolled merrily across the floor, its owner in hot pursuit. Victory! But not before several passengers had been jostled, a toddler startled into tears, and a security guard alerted by the confusion.
Returning to the gate area, the teenager was greeted by a parent whose words flew faster than a frog's tongue: "I told you to be careful with that coin! Why did you do that? What's wrong with you? Don't just stand there-answer me!" Silence. The parent stood with muscles tensed, face red, blood pressure building, and ready to lose it any second; the teenager with head bowed, shoulders shrugged, and despair etched in every slumped muscle. Talk about a generation gap. Light-years apart would be more like it.
Part of me wanted to explain to them that although the child was nearly as tall as the parent, the teenager's brain was still a work in progress, and this parental style of communication would likely generate more problems than it would solve. But it wasn't my place, and most likely my comments wouldn't have been well received.
Understanding This Communication Disaster
Biting my tongue, I strolled down the concourse thinking about a discussion I'd had with Eugene Brewer, educational superintendent of the Florida Conference. Many people believe that physical maturity equals brain maturity. Nothing could be further from the truth, especially during the initial two to three decades of life. Just because a teenager's body appears somewhat adult-like, it's an error in judgment to assume that the same holds true for the brain. Not only that, but the brain may not be completely myelinated (the process whereby the nerve pathways are coated with a cholesterol insulation) until somewhere around age 20 or 21. The prefrontal regions may not be completely developed until age 22 or 23. A misunderstanding of this mismatch can be a recipe for communication disasters-my definition of generation gap!
Déjà Vu
Would you believe it? As I reached the end of the concourse a similar situation presented itself; just different players and a different object. When the squeegee got loose, it managed to bounce off at least three passengers, barely missed the reading glasses of a fourth, and finally came to a stop against the traveling cage of a little pup that promptly erupted into frantic yipping. Just what everyone needed in a crowded airport!
With bated breath I waited to see how this parent would respond.
No eruption. No pejoratives. Just a few words uttered in a relatively calm voice: "Put the squeegee in your backpack, apologize to the passengers, and then let's talk about this." The travelers appeared genuinely surprised by the apology and rushed to offer such comments as That's OK. No harm done. Not to worry. I know it's tough to hang around the airport.
Curious to hear the remainder of the conversation, I ducked behind an adjacent pillar.
"I realize you didn't mean for the ball to get loose, and I know it's a pain waiting for our delayed flight, especially for someone as active as you are. Nevertheless [I love that word!], you need to think ahead about the possible consequences of your actions, such as a potential for hitting others, breaking reading glasses, upsetting cups of coffee, and so on."
The teenager nodded and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't think ahead." His face held a wan half smile.
Touching the child's shoulder gently, the parent replied, "You'll be more likely to next time. H'mmm. Now, what can you do to pass the time that will have a lower risk for negative consequences?"
How I wanted to say Bravo! Great role modeling for the next generation! You identified the problem, gave instructions about behaviors required in consequence of the initial action, explained the need to think ahead about possible negative outcomes, and offered help to come up with a better choice under the present circumstances. And you did it without yelling, demeaning, or shaming. No generation gap here, at least not in this situation. I'd spoken a trifle too soon. A strident, brittle voice caught my attention.
"So what good do you think that'll do?" I peeked around the pillar. An elderly woman was addressing the boy's parent. "You didn't even make him tell you why he did it!" She shook her head, the muscles of her face wrinkled in a disapproving mask. Uh-oh, I thought to myself. Here it comes. And come it did with a vengeance. For the next few seconds all manner of suggestions poured forth about how the child/parent interaction should have been handled.
I looked at the parent who a moment earlier had appeared calm and confident. Now the body language bespoke discouragement, weariness, and irritation. "We've had this discussion before." The words were softly spoken, but carried an underlying tension. "At best, why questions are difficult for adults to answer and almost impossible for teenagers to answer as well. Why questions just get in the way of communication." If looks could kill, the elderly woman's eyes might have accomplished the task effortlessly. Before she could reply, the parent continued, "Case in point: If I asked you why you are so upset with the way I just handled things, how would you answer?" Her answer was nonverbal. Sticking her nose in the air, she sniffed, turned abruptly on her heel, and headed for the beverage kiosk. There it was: loud and clear and ugly. Generation gap. It just contained a different combination of generations.
Age and Brain Function
Leaving the safety of the pillar, I headed back down the concourse. This time I really had to bite my tongue to keep from saying to the parent, "I truly admire the communication style you exhibited with your son. You avoided why questions!" I'd also been pleased to note that the parent seemed to be quite well informed. Studies have shown that when confronted with a question, especially when in the midst of an emotionally charged situation, individuals tend to access differing portions of the brain based on their ages. Those over the age of 21 tend to access the thinking brain (cerebrum), where functions related to conscious and logical/rational thought processing are housed. Those under the age of 21 tend to access the emotional brain (limbic system or pain-pleasure center), where there is no conscious thought-but plenty of emotion!
Therefore, when individuals below the age of 21 are asked, "Why did you do that?" they may want to respond and may even try to do so. But they will likely be trying to formulate an answer from the emotional brain and may become defensive or even unable to articulate effectively. This negative outcome can be further compounded if the child or adolescent perceives the situation to be adversarial or stressful. If the adult (so called) is processing from the thinking brain while the adolescent is processing from the emotional brain, it's no wonder there can be a disconcerting disconnect.
Many adults agonize over why questions about their own behaviors-how much more those under 21 whose brains are "still in the oven," so to speak. How easy it is to shame others, especially young people, for things that we ourselves find difficult to accomplish.
The Power of Our Words
Back at my gate it was time to board. Soon we were five miles above the earth, and I had food for thought for the entire trip. Fortunately, we can narrow the generation gap. And Proverbs reminds us, "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver" (Prov. 25:11, NIV).
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Arlene Taylor, Ph.D., is a brain function specialist writing from Napa, California.
