KAY KUZMA

My husband works day and night. He works a regular job, then does other jobs on his own time. He never spends time with me and our children. I feel as though our marriage is being destroyed. He never wants to talk about how we can make our relationship better. I don't feel loved by my husband. Sometimes I wonder if we should separate, instead of letting him continue ignoring me and making me feel unimportant.--A concerned wife

Dear Concerned Wife:
Your husband probably doesn't have a clue that he's not meeting your needs. Sometimes putting it in writing helps men see the seriousness of the issues and makes them realize the consequences if they don't change.

It's also likely that your husband is playing the role of husband and father pretty much the way his own dad played it. If he had no role model, he probably thinks he's doing what husbands and fathers are supposed to do, make money-the more the better. It may be the only area of his life in which he feels adequate and appreciated. The idea of husbands and fathers being the spiritual leaders of their family and making sure the psychological atmosphere of the home is safe and secure is a new concept to many men.

For Men Only (I hope your husband reads this.)
1. Take time to be with your wife and kids-without having to accomplish anything. I know you are project-oriented. You love to conquer something-whether it be a computer program or a corporate sale. But you're going to leave all that at the office. Your first task is just to be with your family (without the TV). Note what they're doing, what they're interested in, what they talk about, and enjoy them for who they are. Play with them. Start with one hour each morning before the family scatters for the day, and three hours in the evening, making sure that each one (including your wife) has one-on-one time with you. That's only four hours out of 24; is that asking too much?

2. Listen. Your task is not to fix anything, just listen. This is not a time for you to vent, only to provide an avenue for your family to express themselves. To make sure they know you're listening, look them in the eye, or hold their hand as they talk. You may make suggestions-but only after you've listened for at least five minutes or have asked if they are interested in hearing your suggestions. Nothing makes a wife feel loved more than being listened to. Concentrate on detecting the emotions behind the words. That's the only way you're going to pick up clues about what you can do to lift those spirits. Learn to say, "Oh, yes, my, tell me more, I hear you."

And if you don't know what to do to heal their hurts, it's OK to admit it. Ask How can I help? Perhaps all they need is a hug or to have you kiss away their tears.

3. Love your wife. Merely enjoying intimate encounters is not going to meet a wife's need for love. Ask your wife what makes her feel loved-or what she wishes you would do. It might be having an intimate conversation, or going someplace all by yourselves. It might be when you bring her a gift or treat her in a respectful, polite, royal, affectionate manner. When she married you, she might have imagined marrying a knight. Why not try acting like one and see if she doesn't fall in love with you again? And when you really love your wife, the atmosphere will be felt by the kids as well.

If you follow these three steps, your wife and children will see Christ in you-the first and most important quality of a spiritual leader.

For Women Only
Respond to your husband's love. Let him know he's the most important thing in your life. Compliment, show appreciation, and treat him with respect. Spend time doing what he enjoys. Keep an attractive home; if he's the breadwinner, prepare for his homecoming. There's nothing that welcomes a man more than a happy wife and the smell of good cooking.

And one more thing: No wife should expect her husband to meet all her emotional needs. Cultivate some friendships with one or two other women with whom you can laugh, share feelings, and pray. See if it doesn't make a difference in your outlook.

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Kay Kuzma, Ed.D., is founder and speaker of Family Matters. Send your questions and comments to Dr. Kay, c/o Family Matters, 1105 Big Creek Road, LaFollette, TN 37766; or via e-mail to kaykuzma@aol.com.