What Does God Say?
You may wonder, What does God have to say about sex? Sure, there are a few "thou shall nots," but is there anything really said in the Bible regarding "how to"? I have to admit that I didn't think God had much to say regarding "how to" until I was challenged to preach a series of sermons on the Song of Solomon. What an eye-opening experience!

This fascinating yet often misunderstood book tells the story of a young couple from initial meeting, through the dating process, to engagement, and eventually to the wedding and wedding night. It continues by looking at the couple's first fight and concludes by painting a picture of the couple growing old together.

The steamiest portion of the book, the wedding night (chapter 4), gives us several principles of divine sex. What is God's opinion of sex? How did He intend for this incredible gift to be enjoyed? Put your bashfulness aside, forget everything you've been taught by popular culture, and get ready for a picture of sex straight from the Word of God.

Divine sex is sensitive to the needs of the other. "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors" (S. of Sol. 4:1-4, NIV).

Satan has always conducted a campaign that tells us sex is all about self-gratification. We're led to believe "It's all about me." For the longest time he's been targeting men, brainwashing us into believing that women are simply objects for our enjoyment. He's succeeded in persuading most men to look at the woman in the advertisement and see only an object to be conquered rather than a daughter of God who is in need of knowing she is loved and cherished by her Father in heaven. Yes, we men have bought into this lie for some time. Yet this isn't the picture we see in Song of Solomon.

On their wedding night we see a man who is wooing this woman-a woman who has already made herself available to him. We see him proceeding lovingly, gingerly, making his way slowly down her body. He has realized, long before author Gary Smalley, that men are like microwaves and women are like Crock-Pots. And so, sensitive to her needs, he begins slowly. He comments on her eyes, then her hair, then her teeth, then her lips, then her neck. He is considering her emotional needs before his own physical needs. He puts her first.

Wholesome sex is gentle. "Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies" (verse 5, NIV).

The enemy of humanity is seeking to sell an image of sex that is anything but gentle. I'll never forget going to an R-rated movie with my mother when I was 13 years old. It was a ghost story, and she supposed it would be R-rated only for the "scary" content. But as the obligatory sex scene began she was horrified (and
I was somewhat confused by it all!). As the silhouette of this couple thrashed around the room they knocked over lamps and broke picture frames. My mother leaned over and whispered in my ear, "That's not the way it really is."

Really? That's the image of sex the world has been trying to sell me ever since! And so as young couples begin to experiment with intimacy, they feel they have to mimic the world or miss out on some incredible experience. And in the meantime what they miss out on is the blessing God intended, for He meant for sex to be a gentle (although certainly exhilarating) experience.

Divine sex is a safe place. "All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you" (verse 7, NIV).

Where else will anyone ever find themselves more vulnerable or more exposed than in the act of sex? In sex we completely open ourselves up to the other person. We open ourselves physically. We open ourselves emotionally. Indeed, we open ourselves spiritually to the other. The damage that can be done to our hearts and minds during this time is unimaginable. Emotional scars from rejection or broken relationship or disapproval from the other are slow to heal (if they ever do!). Divine sex is a safe place because it is entered into slowly, after a long friendship and courtship. It is safe because we have learned to trust the person we're opening ourselves to. It's safe because it's entered into after a lifelong commitment has been made. As this maiden in Song of Solomon stands completely exposed before her groom, he is able to say to her, "You are beautiful in every way, my love, and there is no spot or blemish in you." She is safe to be herself because he loves and accepts her as she is.

Divine sex is union. "Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon. Descend from the crest of Amana, from the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon, from the lions' dens and the mountain haunts of the leopards" (verse 8, NIV).

Popular culture tells us it's best to have as many partners as possible. Experiment. Kick the tires before you buy the car. After all, what if you make a lifelong commitment and find you aren't sexually compatible? But God has created sex to form a bond, a oneness, between a man and a woman. Sex is like glue. If you glue two pieces of cardboard together and then try to rip them apart, what will happen? You will have ripped pieces of one still sticking to the other, even after they're separated. Joshua Harris, in his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, tells the story of the girl who had a dream about her wedding day. As the bride stood at the altar with her groom a girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took the groom's hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another, and another. Soon a string of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to her. "Is this some kind of joke?" she asked, lips quivering as she tried to hold back her tears. "Who are these girls?"

"They're girls from my past. They don't mean anything to me now, but I've given my heart to each of them."

The bride asked indignantly, "But I thought your heart was mine!"

"It is! It is!" the groom replied. "Everything that is left is yours!"

Solomon understands that sex was created to build a union, to make two individuals one flesh. And so before they consummate their marriage, he asks one more time whether she's willing to leave her home in Lebanon and live with him in the palace. He knows that once they've consummated, a lifelong union will be formed.

Divine sex is reserved for marriage. "You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain" (verse 12, NIV).

Based on the past two points, this one is pretty much a no-brainer. However, we still fight it and seek to justify sex before marriage. I was recently talking with a woman who found herself in this position. I had been counseling with her boyfriend, sharing these principles about dating and sex. As a result, he took some big steps backward in their physical relationship and set up some high boundaries. Although she has been a Christian her whole life, she wasn't too pleased! She told me she had spent the better part of a week scouring Scripture, looking for justification for their physical relationship. She finally confessed that she continued to hit brick walls.

The Bible is clear. Sex is reserved for marriage. If you have any doubts about this couple in the Song of Solomon, if you have any question as to what they have or haven't done prior to their wedding night, verse 12 makes everything clear. "A garden enclosed is my sister, my spouse, a spring shut up, a fountain sealed" (NKJV). She has brought the beautiful gift of her virginity to their marriage, and what an awesome gift that is!

o Divine sex is pleasing to God. "Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers" (S. of Sol. 5:1, NIV). This is the one most of us have the hardest time accepting. "OK, I can believe He allows sex (although He probably turns His face or leaves the room!). But He's pleased by it? Come on!" But indeed, when we follow His plan and take His advice on issues of sex and intimacy, not only is our pleasure multiplied; so is His! And so He says to this newly married couple just after the sex act, "Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers." God rejoices in our intimacy! He encourages us! He cheers us on to enjoy each other. What a gift! What a God!

Where Are You?
I don't know how these principles will affect you. I suppose it depends on where you are in this journey called life. If you are single, it means not buying into the world's propaganda regarding issues of sexual intimacy. It means proceeding prayerfully, cautiously, and with all purity in every relationship.

If you're married, it means following the golden rule with your spouse. Treat him or her as you want to be treated. Put their needs first. Be sensitive. Be gentle. Just be for the other! Enjoy this beautiful gift as it was intended to be enjoyed.

Regardless of your marital status or your position in life, let me urge you to join with me to combat the constant barrage of popular culture. Let's proclaim loudly, and comfortably, the truth about sex. Because God's way is the only way to have truly safe and satisfying sex!

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David L. Kennedy is pastor of the Seventh-day Adventist church in Franktown, Colorado.