BY VICTOR PARACHIN

UDI AND ROBERT, MARRIED 10 YEARS, ARE BOTH busy professionals. Both log long hours daily. They spend Sundays catching up on household chores-laundry, yard work, cleaning, grocery shopping, and paying the bills. They have very little discretionary time to spend together. Over the decade of their marriage Judi and Robert have become strangers to each other even though they share the same roof.

Nancy and Ron have been married 15 years. They both work full-time and are involved, concerned parents to their three children. In addition to juggling the demands of their work, Nancy and Ron spend much of their time transporting children to their various activities: music lessons, sports practices, etc. During the 15 years of their marriage, the closeness that they first enjoyed seems to have evaporated.

Judi, Robert, Nancy, and Ron share something in common with many other couples. For various reasons they have drifted apart. The vitality and sparkle that used to characterize their relationship is gone. They didn't plan it; it just happened-subtly, slowly, silently. However, there is good news. It is not necessary to head off for a divorce court or to settle for the status quo in an unfulfilling relationship. Couples can break through emotional distance to revive their relationship. Here are 10 important words for getting closer as a couple.

A common concern that many couples express is that their partner "doesn't listen" or "refuses to understand." Behind the complaint is the desire of one partner to be truly understood by the other. A simple way to defuse a pattern of miscommunication is to practice receptive listening. That means dropping all defenses in order to learn what the other person is really saying and feeling. Opera tenor Jan Peerce, after being married nearly 50 years, said: "My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we've kept it no matter how angry we've grown with each other. When one yells the other should listen, because when two people yell there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations."

Couples who worship, pray, read Scripture, and participate in a faith community generally have stronger, happier marriages. Their faith in God is one more tie that binds them together. Ricardo Montalban is well known to millions of movie and television viewers for his many roles, especially that of Mr. Roarke, the white-suited host of Fantasy Island. Montalban is also a committed Christian who has been married to the same woman, Georgiana, for almost 60 years. He credits their deep faith in God for the satisfaction and success of their marriage: "If you stick to your principles, religion, and convictions, you'll be rewarded," he says. "Marriage needs many different kinds of glue: love, humor, respect, and belief in God. That's the strongest of all. It's kept us together."

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13, NIV). The apostle Paul knew that whenever human beings live together, they can cause each other pain, intentionally and unintentionally. The path that leads to healing from lingering hurts is forgiveness. Choosing forgiveness means favoring the positive and giving the marriage a second chance. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or whitewashing what has happened.

Forgiveness means letting go of the hurt, moving on in the relationship, learning from the experience, and using the information to build a stronger marriage. A good example is the following letter, written by Jennifer to her husband after he made some insensitive comments during a heated argument a week earlier.

"Michael, I was very hurt by what was spoken, but at the same time I can see that you're human and can make mistakes. I forgive you. I love you and our life together. I want us to understand each other even better and grow from this. When either of us is unhappy with something in our relationship, we need to speak before the feelings erupt into a full-scale argument. Let's make our marriage even better than it was before. I love you, Jennifer."

Take some time together to look back at the events that make up your common history. The sharing of these memories is effective in rekindling feelings of warmth, affection, and love. "God gave us memories, that we might have June roses in . . . December," wrote James M. Barrie. The sharing of memories can be done verbally. "Remember the year we lived in Washington, D.C., and the power went off for two days? We snuggled and slept in front of the fireplace." The sharing of memories can also be visual. Try turning off the television to look over old photo albums, savoring and treasuring the memories recorded in them.

Taking the initiative for doing things together seems to get forgotten and neglected the longer a couple is married. "It's easier to wait for our spouse to suggest going out for a date, what we ought to do on vacation, having friends over for dinner, taking a stroll around the block," observes writer Carole Mayhall. "And so we settle into a comfortable (if boring) rut and wonder where the excitement went." Couples who want to get closer will take some time to think about experiences that can deepen their love, and then act on those ideas.

The ability to feel remorse-that sense of guilt over a wrong one has done-is essential for any marriage to succeed and thrive. Remorse is a positive force that drives a spouse to admit a wrong, extend an apology, and seek forgiveness. A spouse who feels remorse demonstrates respect and love for a partner. Remorse is a powerful healing agent within a marriage. "It's hard to say why an unexpected bowl of popcorn, placed at your end of the couch, can erase the leftover tension from a quarrel, but it can," notes Philadelphia clinical psychologist Judith Sills, Ph.D. "Maybe because it says, 'I'm sorry I was in a bad mood.'"

One of the most important ways to deepen love is through time. A couple cannot grow in love without spending time together. Bill and Kristin, a Los Angeles professional couple, have busy, hectic schedules. Yet every month they compare calendars, choose a day, and mark it in capital letters: NOTHING. They take the day off from work, pass up all social events, and spend the day together enjoying each other. "The day is completely unstructured," Bill explains. "Once we went to a video store, rented two movies, returned to our house, and cuddled up on the couch to enjoy them. Another time we might spend the morning catching up on our magazine reading, then go for a walk in the park, and perhaps enjoy a picnic lunch. The point isn't what we do, but simply that we are spending time together."

Many spouses say they feel underappreciated and even rejected by their partners. Couples who are close and remain that way practice praise early and often. They know the importance of being a cheerleader and of providing the applause of appreciation. "We have never met a person who was suffering from too much praise, acceptance, or support from those around him," note Kevin and Marilyn Ryan in their book Making a Marriage. "We have both been surprised that simple compliments have meant so much to the other. We thought surely the other person knew how much we valued a particular aspect of them. We have come to believe that all of us are struggling in an impersonal world and are plagued by self-doubt. We need to be told about our strengths and the things we do well. And we need to be told early and often."

Couples who have never drifted apart are inevitably those who have made it a habit to talk openly about issues. Even though such a conversation could result in some pain, they do not avoid or evade issues. It is wiser to express and explore feelings early, before they become more intense. David has been married 50 years to the same woman. Their family now includes two children, nine grandchildren, and a great-grandchild. Looking back over his satisfying marriage, he says: "As a husband who's proud of his 50 years of marriage and hopes for many more, I believe that what contributes to our success is that we always talk out minor problems and differences that arise between us before they fester and get bigger. We hug each other often. It's good for our souls. We're considerate of each other and give in once in a while, even when giving in isn't what we'd like to do."

Couples who remain close are constantly growing in their knowledge of the world. The information they absorb benefits them both professionally and personally. A good example is Jerri, a 38-year-old teacher in Chicago, who has been married 15 years. "My husband and I are always taking refresher courses of one kind or another. The new ideas lead to many stimulating conversations and keep us from getting stale and bored with each other. We're both eager to grow intellectually and emotionally. Once every year we try to participate together in some kind of marriage enrichment program. Also, I've made it a point to read one article or book chapter about marriage each month-how to make it better, livelier, more satisfying. I gain many new insights and try applying them to our relationship, always with positive results," she says.

Finally . . .
Every marriage benefits greatly when couples maintain a sense of humor. "Humor is the sunshine of the mind," noted Edward George Bulwer-Lytton. Maintaining a sense of humor can take the sting out of disappointment and the bite out of an argument. Healthy couples know there is wisdom in simply laughing away some issues and problems.

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Victor Parachin, M.Div., is an ordained minister, counselor, and freelance writer. He has authored several books, including Ties That Bind: Remaining Happy as a Couple After the Wedding.