BY MIKE JONES
HEN I WAS 17, I LEFT HOME FOR the first time to attend college. I was nervous, insecure, and apprehensive. Actually, I was scared stiff. I had received some bad grades in high school, and I worried that maybe I wouldn't make it in college.
My parents drove me to the school I would be attending. After most of my belongings were in my dorm room, I returned to the car for my last two suitcases. As I picked them up, my mother made a comment that seared itself into my consciousness.
"We don't know why we've brought you down here," she said. "We know you're probably going to flunk out."
I replied, "Thanks a lot, Mother," picked up my last two suitcases, and stumbled up the hill to the dormitory with tears of anger and disbelief streaming down my face. Not only did my childhood come to an end at that moment; so did my relationship with my mother. It took 13 years and a conversion experience before I was able to forgive her.
The Effects of Unforgiveness
Why do you think it's so difficult to forgive? Perhaps because we want the person who hurt us to know how much pain they caused. Or maybe we want them to suffer for what they did. So we retaliate or withdraw from the relationship. And if that isn't possible, we begin the silent treatment. Several people I know take pride in how long they can prolong the silence. Some can go for weeks.
Forgiveness doesn't come naturally, does it?
Think about the gamut of feelings most of us go through when someone does something to us that we deem unforgivable. The typical list, with some variation, goes something like this: first comes shock, bewilderment, and hurt feelings. Then anger, rage, resentment, bitterness, and hate make their appearances. Often the final feeling is indifference.
It's not a pretty picture!
Recent medical studies inform us that rage, anger, and bitterness are all killers. These feelings elevate our blood pressure. We now know that chronic high blood pressure erodes our coronary artery walls.* Over time, plaque accumulates. And plaque buildup leads to coronary artery disease and to premature death. None of us can afford to indulge these kinds of unloving feelings.
When we refuse to forgive, ugly feelings soil our souls. We also lose our capacity to love. People who don't forgive are unable to have deep, loving relationships.
Most of us know that Jesus said we should forgive endlessly-seventy times seven, He tells us in Matthew 18:22. Forgive and you'll be forgiven, He tells us in Luke 6:37. But how do we get there from here, especially when we're facing a wrenching hurt?
Here are some suggestions that may help.
1. Accept God's instruction to forgive. Jesus said, "Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37).† When we can't, He will enable us. In fact, He promises, "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people" (2 Cor. 6:16). Memorize promises like these. Conditioning your mind with God's promises is more than half the battle.
2. At the beginning of each day, go to the cross to obtain God's divine forgiveness for yourself. It was at the cross that Jesus demonstrated the high cost of forgiveness. So if you feel as if you'd rather die than forgive someone for something unforgivable, remember that Jesus had to do exactly that, and you may have to also. Jesus died for our sins at the cross, and it's at the cross that we must die to our sinful nature. It's at the cross where you and I receive our new hearts.
3. Begin extending forgiveness to anyone you need to forgive. You may find it helpful to develop a list. Then say these words over each name: "Lord, I choose to forgive __________ for what he/she said or did. Please give me Your forgiveness for him/her." Go over your entire list daily until it is no longer necessary.
4. Begin practicing forgiveness as a lifestyle. Say "I choose to forgive that" every time something occurs that offends you. Do this when someone puts you down, calls you a bad name, tells you you're a lousy parent, cuts you off in traffic-whatever. In time your mind will harmonize itself with your decision, as God's Spirit works in you "to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Phil. 2:13).
5. Remember that you haven't failed when old grievances surface. Forgiveness is an ongoing experience. So keep forgiving whenever the need arises. In time negative thoughts and feelings will fade as God eliminates them and replaces them with His forgiveness. This may take weeks, months, or several years. But one day you'll wake up rejoicing as you realize an old resentment or hateful feeling is finally out of your life.
6. Remember to forgive yourself. Some of us have done some pretty ugly things along life's pathway. If you're suffering from a load of guilt because of your own misconduct, Jesus reminds us, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). If God forgives you, who are you not to forgive yourself? Every time Satan tries to dump on you, just say, "Jesus has forgiven me. Now I'm choosing to forgive myself."
Forgiveness as a Lifestyle
You may be asking, "Should I seek forgiveness from someone I wronged a long time ago?"
Ask God what to do about that. A phone call or letter apologizing and seeking forgiveness may be in order. The question to ask is "Is this the loving thing to do?" If a communication from you is likely to cause more distress than healing, it may be better to leave matters alone until the kingdom. The Holy Spirit will guide you. If after much prayer you're still in doubt, don't.
You might consider the following experiment. If you have children, parents, or a spouse nearby, go to each one individually and say something like this: "________, if I have ever done anything along the way that has hurt you and I've never acknowledged it, I'd like to know so I can deal with it." Then be very quiet and wait for the other person's reply.
Some may see this kind of open-ended question as a way to avoid dealing with specifics. But more than a few people I have known have hardened hearts over injuries the other person knows nothing about or has long forgotten.
I made such an attempt with my mother (now deceased) after I had surrendered my life to Christ.
"Mother," I said to her on a visit to her home in Grand Rapids, Michigan, "I know that sometimes I gave you and Dad a pretty hard time when I was younger."
"Yes, that's true," she said.
"Well, I just want you to know that I'm sorry for anything I ever did that hurt you. Will you forgive me?"
Mother looked at me in disbelief. Then she told me a story of something I had done while in high school that had hurt her and Dad deeply. I remembered nothing of the incident, but I quickly told her I was sorry and sought her forgiveness. Then this feisty little Irishwoman who never turned away from a good scrap, with tears in her eyes, forgave me.
You might ask, "Did your mother ever ask you to forgive her for anything hurtful she might have done-such as her less-than-sterling sendoff to you when you left home for college?" She never did. Despite that fact, my seeking her forgiveness for pain I had caused her along the way was enough to restore our relationship.
Something beautiful happens when trouble exists between two people and one person says to the other, "I'm really sorry. Will you forgive me?" And when the other person replies, "I forgive you," weeks, months, and sometimes years of bitterness and resentment are swept away.
If seeking or extending forgiveness seems quite impossible to you today, remember, "For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility" (Eph. 2:14). What Jesus did to reconcile Jew and Gentile He will also do for us in all the avenues of our lives. If we will only let Him!
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* Dean Ornish, M.D., Love and Survival (HarperCollins, 1997).
† Bible texts in this article are from the New International Version.
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Mike Jones can be reached at mjones@paclink.com, Portland, Oregon. He and his wife, Diane, help local churches reclaim members. They also present seminars on such topics as forgiveness.
