BY LOREN SEIBOLD

OU'VE CHANGED TIRES, SHOES, DIAPERS, WALLPAPER, and hairstyles. And maybe you've decided the time has come to change pastors.

You may remember when there was regular variety in your church pulpit. Every couple years the old pastor moved on and a new one moved in. We jokingly called it "The Great Advent Movement." But the high cost of relocation has changed that. Now many pastors actually get to unpack most of their boxes before their next move.

Some even stay long enough to see the results of their ministry. Church growth experts like that. Many say pastors minister better the longer they are in one place. Some suggest a pastor's most productive ministry happens after they have worked in a parish for seven years.

But if you're the kind of person who would rather buy a new toaster than fix the old one, you became impatient long before that. When the pastor came, the novelty of a new face in the pulpit kept you from noticing negatives. After a while novelty wears off. It doesn't take long to discover that pastors are not perfect. Once they make their first big mistake, you're sure that soon they will show more faults than an earthquake zone. What to do?

Send them down the road.

It isn't hard: church members have been known to do it single-handedly. What follows are 10 field-tested ways to get the moving van to your pastor's front door in no time at all.

1. Compare them constantly to former pastors. You need not be rude about it. Just a few innocent-sounding remarks will do. For example:
On the way out of church: "Our last pastor preached a marvelous sermon on that very text."

At a church board meeting: "The pastor we had 12 years ago was happy to have that mimeograph machine."

When planning church socials: "I don't know if we should even have the social this year. It won't be the same without Pastor Smith."
When they visit you in the hospital: "When I had my last surgery, Pastor Smith donated one of his kidneys to me."

2. Question their work performance. A good way is to ask, "Hey, what do you really do all week?"
Now, most pastors are busy visiting, writing, and organizing meetings, not to mention the hours of time spent reading, praying, and studying in order to prepare thoughtful sermons and prayer meetings. But chances are pretty good that some time during the week they wasted an hour or two. Furthermore, the results they hope to see from their work-positive changes in people's lives-are usually scarce and always hard to measure. So sometimes the pastor looks back on a hard week and wonders, What have I really accomplished?

Your question will strike right to their heart, sometimes paralyzing them, sometimes driving them to stay on the road or at the office for hours longer than they should.

3. When something goes wrong that they could fix, don't talk to them about it. Instead, call the conference office. It's a winning idea. Generally the conference office will feel compelled to follow up on a complaint, even if they don't have all the information. This is a no-win situation for your pastor: their church members are unhappy with them, and the conference will know something negative about them too. Never mind that they would have solved the problem gladly had any church member ever clearly communicated it to them.

4. Pass along only complaints, not compliments. Praise is counterproductive to your efforts, because it almost always assures that your pastor's self-esteem will blossom and they'll begin doing things better than they ever have before. Under the influence of genuine appreciation, they may begin to visit members more often, preach better sermons, evangelize more effectively, and pray with greater determination.

If you want them to leave, do not let that happen! Whenever you meet them, pass along a complaint or a suggestion. There's always something around the church that isn't quite right. Even after a great sermon, you can always ask, "Why can't you speak just a little louder?" And complaints about the temperature in the sanctuary are always in order.

5. Pass along church dirt. In the hurting world we live in, every pastor prays that their church can live peacefully so they can together fight some of the world's big battles for the cause of Christ. But you can shatter that hope. Pull them aside for a heart-to-heart talk, explaining how you would be remiss if you didn't tell them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about the church. Recall for them the church's greatest fights and members' most notable moral failures. Point out to them the lines dividing family from family, husband from wife, member from member. Expose problems that are none of your business, or even theirs. In short, make it hard for them ever again to look their church members in the eye without the members' fights and failures running through their mind.

6. Refuse to take church responsibilities. Or, for that matter, to contribute to projects you didn't think of. So if you don't do it, who will, you ask? Now you're getting the idea!

7. Encourage theological controversy. Records from the 1888 Minneapolis Bible conference say tensions were so high about the tribal identification of the tenth horn of Daniel 7 that people meeting one another, before shaking hands, would demand, "Are you for the Huns or the Alemanni?" Revive that spirit in your church! Guard the truth-especially in those areas where no one is sure exactly what it is or whether it even matters!

Of course, the Scriptures encourage us to live without controversy: "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace" (Eph. 4:3, NIV). But if you're trying to move your pastor, that's one bit of Scripture you should not discuss. Instead, bring up texts that are sure to be divisive. Don't let any word pass without subjecting it to your personal theological scrutiny. With luck, a few controversial words in a Sabbath school class will snowball into a major altercation and make your church the kind in which your pastor won't want to stay.

For an even more spectacular effect, suggest that the pastor is heretical if they say something you don't agree with, or even something you don't understand. Never let lack of knowledge stop you. If you manage to label them theologically out of line-even if it isn't true-doubt about their loyalty will follow them for years to come, hanging like a dark cloud every time someone notes their gifts and accomplishments.

8. Refuse to let them have a personal life. If they have friends in the church, accuse them of favoritism. If you notice they're spending a couple of hours at home with their family in the afternoon, call them and suggest things that need doing. If they take a Sabbath away from the pulpit to refresh themselves, let the conference office hear your feelings about it.

Drop in at their home unannounced in the middle of the day. In addition to the usual embarrassment of your seeing how the house and children look when they're not expecting anyone to look at them, you might also find out a lot of interesting and potentially damaging information, such as whether there are questionable items in their refrigerator.

Call them at 6:30 a.m., just to confirm your suspicion that they're a late sleeper, or at 11:30 at night, just to imply that you know they go to bed too early.

9. Call them often with minor problems you could easily solve yourself. Ask them-even though you could look it up-"What time is sunset this Friday?" Or-even though it's in the phone book-"What is Jim Thompson's telephone number?" Or "Did you know that Sister Williams is lonely?" Of course, they probably know about Sister Williams and have probably visited her, but it is nonetheless important that you call them rather than going to see Sister Williams yourself.

For a greater impact, call them while they're on vacation with an emergency of questionable importance, demanding that they come home immediately. Whether or not they decide to come home, the rest of their vacation won't be much fun.

10. Set unrealistic expectations for them. For this to work, you must encourage the idea that pastors are not really people. They're a different species, somewhere between humanity and the angels (but nearer the latter), who shouldn't require financial security, comfort, or even privacy, should be able to perform minor miracles, and never make mistakes.

Don't let them get by with being anything less than rigorously angelic! Remind them of their high calling should they ever let slip a word of discouragement.
For maximum effect, keep them slightly in doubt about what the church expects from them, but fault them for not delivering it. If they think of a new idea, say, "It will never work." If they stick with tried and true traditional ways, mention that you're getting sick and tired of the same old thing. If they ask for your help or advice, remind them that they're the one you pay to run the church.

Considering the Plan
These suggestions are not hard to follow. In fact, pastors through the years have found people to whom these "skills" seem to come naturally. Of course, if you insist on seeking the benefits of a happy, long-term pastorate-spiritual growth, church growth, and seeing a group of people bond into a loving church family-then you won't follow these suggestions.

Come to think of it, the apostle Paul probably wouldn't have followed them either. He wrote, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" (Col. 3:13, 14, NIV).

Doesn't that sound like a better way to treat your pastor?

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Loren Seibold is the senior pastor of the Worthington Adventist Church in Ohio.