ANELLE, OUT OF ALL THE MEN YOU COULD date, why did you pick someone who has been divorced and has two children?" my sister asked. This was a legitimate question. I was in my early 20s. I was a senior in college and had my whole life ahead of me. Had I really thought out all of these issues? Was I making a wise decision?

In preparation for this big change in our lives, Michael and I began reading books on stepfamilies. We wanted ours to be successful. We wanted the children to be healthy and balanced, and to know how much they were loved.

What We Discovered
I was disappointed to discover that many of the books seemed to express a negative tone toward stepparenting. Many of the messages were "don't" messages: "Don't try to take the other parent's place"; "Don't expect anything from your stepchildren"; "Don't this"; "Don't that." I wanted to know what I could do. I wanted to be effective and proactive. These "don't" messages, as true as they may have been, weren't helpful in my goal of embracing the positive aspects of parenting. I didn't think it was necessary to look at stepparenting from a negative perspective. What I did know was that I was deeply in love with this wonderful man who had full custody of his two beautiful children, ages 4 and 6. And I knew I was not afraid of being a mother.

Michael and I waited until we knew our relationship was serious before he introduced me to the children. His 6-year-old daughter and I fell in love with each other. She told Michael with all seriousness while we were walking out of our first meeting (we took her to the Old Country Buffet) that she wanted him to marry me. After we were engaged, his 4-year-old son asked if he could call me "Mommy."

What were these emotions? I hadn't anticipated the love that would grow between my stepchildren and me. Our bonds became deep and complete. And these were the first few seeds being planted in my heart.

I struggled with the negative stigma connected with stepfamilies. I struggled against the whole term step because some people seem to think that stepparents are unnecessary, disposable, or not "real." What I've learned is that being a stepparent doesn't mean any of those things. Just as there are all types of biological parents-both good and bad-there are all types of stepparents. And what was important was whether or not I was good at who I was: a new stepmother.

More twenty-something or thirty-something Adventists today are facing the possibility of marrying someone who already has children. Many of you may be thinking about dating or marrying someone with children. It is becoming common in our society. Being a stepparent is a rewarding challenge.

Thinking It Through
Below are eight matters to think through when contemplating this most important role:

• You are not replacing anyone, but creating a very important place in the hearts of your new children. Quite honestly, you wouldn't want to replace the absent parent, especially if there had been a negative experience. You need to forge your own identity.
• A "real" mother or father is one who loves their children and sacrifices for them-whether biological, step, adoptive, or foster. Love is a choice, not an automatic thing that happens at birth or conception. And every parent must make that choice, no matter how you arrive at your place in a child's life.
• The only mistake you can make is not loving your child(ren). Parents are continually making mistakes that are sometimes big and sometimes small, but children are amazing for their ability to forgive. What children need more than anything is to know that they are loved.
• Depending on the age of your stepchildren, they will probably be dealing with some serious issues concerning the divorce of their parents or the death of a parent. Remember that much of the anger that you might experience is displaced. You can handle it most deftly with reassurance, compassion, and love.
• As a stepparent you are not the problem but a part of the solution. It is not a sad thing to be a part of a stepfamily. The sad part is the divorce or death that occurred in the previous family.
• Your marriage is the center of the family. Because the children have been with your spouse longer than you have, it is possible to sometimes feel isolated-maybe even like you don't belong. But your marriage is what makes your family stable. Therefore, you and your spouse must concentrate on investing time and energy to provide your children with a positive marriage to eventually emulate in their own lives. Your marriage must not take second place to your children.
• You must be united on parenting issues. Let the biological parent take the lead and train you into the parenting role. They have been doing it longer and know what has been done with their children in the past. Be willing to augment your own experience and desires, and compromise. This is what two biological parents do anyway, so you are not giving up more just because you are "step."
• A lot of the problems that are seemingly "step" issues are really just issues that all parents have with their kids. So don't feel insecure about admitting that there are problems or challenges. The more honest you are, the healthier your kids will be, and the better the relationship you will have with them.

  It's worth the effort. Your reward will not be soon coming. It takes a lot of time to gel as a family and feel good about it all. But there will be little things along the way that warm your heart, and when it's all said and done, your children will be grateful for the love you showed them and the impact you had on their lives.

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Janelle Brazington raises her three children (ages 13, 11, and 1) in rural New York, where the tomatoes grow big, the maple syrup is sweet, and the rocks are plentiful.