BY BONITA JOYNER SHIELDS

Q: What has been your main function as a chaplain with people in crisis? My main function was to be present with people in their crises either before or after their loss. Also, I acted as a liaison between them and the medical personnel, making sure the families had their questions answered thoroughly. The first 60 minutes after tragedy strikes can be crucial to the grief outcome. A large part of my role was to help them express their emotions and actually help the grief process begin.

Q: What are signs of healthy grieving?
Healthy and unhealthy grieving have similar reactions; however, in unhealthy grief, reactions can be exaggerated, distorted, or even delayed.

Some of the physical grief reactions include weeping, a tight feeling in the chest, dry mouth, and difficulty breathing. Cognitive reactions include disbelief, confusion, sleep disturbances, and appetite disturbances. Actually, even hallucinations and searching for people are common reactions to loss. It's the stoic that I worry about the most.

Q: What advice or insights can you give those who are attempting to cope after the September 11, 2001, tragedy?
There are several issues that affect those grieving losses from that tragedy.

The first issue to be addressed is that sudden death can complicate mourning for several reasons:

1. The grieving person's capacity to cope is diminished because their view of the world is shattered. "I leave for work in the morning and everything is fine; by suppertime, my world is upside down."

2. Acute grief reactions persist and are more intense. These are disbelief, disorganization, sadness, despair, anger, confusion, and frequent weeping.

3. In the midst of grieving primary losses such as the loss of a wife, husband, etc., many forget they must also grieve their secondary losses-friends, colleagues, advisors, confidants. They are very real losses that often get overlooked in the grieving process.

4. The opportunity to say farewell or clear up misunderstandings was not present.

Intentional Grieving Plan 1. Set aside time each day to grieve privately. 2. Gather reminders of your loved one-pictures, favorite items, etc. 3. Have pen and paper handy for journaling. 4. Review completely one aspect of the relationship with your loved one per session. 5. Allow any feelings that come; allow tears. 6. Record your feelings and memories as they occur. 7. After reviewing a part of the relationship completely, write a short farewell to experiencing that part. Read that farewell aloud again and again. 8. Be sure to review and write about secondary losses-companionship, friendship, having a confidant, etc. 9. Repeat this daily until you can rehearse memories without intense pain. 10. Augment this private exercise by sharing with a friend who listens with ears and heart. To order a copy of Larry Yeagley's book Grief Recovery, e-mail him at: eagle1144@modempool.com.

The second issue I want to address is that people may experience subsequent temporary upsurges of grief. For example, six to nine months after a loss, a person who thought they had dealt with their grief will experience a difficult time and wonder, I thought I dealt with this.

One reason for this upsurge is that memories never before dealt with will emerge. A person should not feel discouraged thinking that they are beginning at square one in their grieving; tender memories may just need to be dealt with. In grieving, it is not the length of time that determines the grieving as much as the movement toward adjustment.

Please don't squeeze back tears; tears are a part of adjustment. Tears are the jewels of remembrance-painful, but glistening with the beauty of the past.
In the case of children, however, their grieving tends to take longer. It is extremely helpful for children that the adults in their homes continue to talk about their loved one.

I want to encourage those attempting to cope after the tragedy of Sep-tember 11 to tell their stories. Share stories of your loved ones' lives with others. Friends, listen when they share their stories. Tremendous healing can take place when a grieving person is allowed to be heard. It helps them know their loved one's life made a difference, and that they are not forgotten.

I also want to encourage those who helped the families of the victims of September 11 to be present for the long haul. Whether through personal visits, telephone calls, or helping with home chores, be present with them. Their grieving is not over. For many, it may have only begun.

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Larry Yeagley retired after 41 years as a pastor and chaplain. Bonita Joyner Shields is an assistant editor of the Adventist Review.