Workaholic Dad
Before we were married my husband and I spent enjoyable time together, but now he is totally involved with his work. He loves it so much that he works compulsively to the point that it has totally disrupted our family and home life. He has eight-hour shifts and works at least eight hours overtime every shift (without pay). He is antisocial, but he loves our eight-year-old daughter very much. He doesn't enjoy having friends over, but prefers to do things with just the two of us.

This is not the way to have a family life, in my opinion. However, he is set in his ways. I have talked to him for two years now, trying to get him to cut back his hours and spend time cultivating a social life as well. But he's like a brick wall when it comes to the subject of his work.-E.D.

Dear E.D.:
Your husband is working overtime either because it's his comfort zone, it's challenging, and it makes him feel good; or because he is driven by an addiction he can't control, an escape from something he can't handle.

If it's an addiction, he needs professional help, such as a 12-step recovery program, just like an alcoholic or drug addict. Only when there is a family confrontation pointing out the consequences (such as losing one's family) do some choose to get the help they need.

My gut feeling, however, is that your husband, because of his quiet, introverted nature, merely enjoys a world in which he has control, feels competent, and is rewarded. In other words, he's spending time at work because it makes him feel good. Complaining and fighting over his not being home with the family will only drive him away. Instead, he needs to feel rewarded for spending time with you.

Many men have a "hunt" mentality. They will pursue something until they get it; then they change and pursue another challenge. Once he "won" you, his relationship with you was no longer a challenge. Work may be the challenge that your "hunter husband" needs now for his self-concept. Sometimes when men realize this, they are able to find more challenges in marriage and parenting. Your husband is getting positive reinforcement from his work, which keeps it challenging. You might ask him what it would take to put more of the challenge back into making your family life more rewarding for all of you.

Encourage him by saying that he has what it takes to be a great dad. Then he needs to know what you and your daughter need from him. Be specific. In addition to spending a relaxed Sabbath together, you might discuss other specific times he needs to be with the family, such as eating one unhurried meal together each day. Either he can come home, or you can go to where he is. Bedtime is a critical time for fathers to interact with their children, reading stories and having a devotional time.

The two of you should plan at least one night a week to do something together with your daughter as a family, which might include friends. Plus, he needs to put on his weekly calendar "A Date With My Wife."

What will you give him in return? Words of appreciation instead of nagging. For most men, that would be a pretty good bargain.

An introverted person doesn't need others to feel fulfilled. But getting married and having a child means he has chosen to assume relationship responsibilities, whether he likes them or not. Now might be a good time for him to read a couple good books by my friend Tim Hansel, What Kids Need Most in a Dad and When I Relax I Feel Guilty. Both will help expand his comfort zone to include his family.

Are you acquainted with the song "Cat's in the Cradle," by Harry and Sandy Chapin? The message is that our children will grow up to be just like us. If we don't have time for them, there will likely come a time when they won't have time for us.

_________________________
Kay Kuzma, Ed.D., is founder and speaker of Family Matters. Send your questions and comments to Dr. Kay, c/o Family Matters, 1105 Big Creek Road, LaFollette, TN 37766; or via e-mail to kaykuzma@aol.com.