BY RICHARD W. O'FFILL
Used by permission of Review & Herald Publishing Association, Hagerstown, Maryland. Copyright © 2002 All rights reserved.
"Nothing in life is so hard that you can't make it easier by the way you take it."--Ellen Glasgow.
erhaps you've heard the expression "Get real!" Rightly understood, there's nothing more meaningful, vibrant, and real than a life in Christ; and nothing more shallow, fake, and unreal than a life without Him. I say "rightly understood" because some people believe a person comes to Jesus to get away from the painful reality of life. Nothing could be further from the truth. We come to Jesus not to escape life but to be able to survive it.
On one occasion Jesus offered, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" (Matt. 11:28-30).
Some could interpret these words to mean that when we come to Jesus our burdens go away or become lighter. Though we could wish it were that way, it isn't so. In Bible times people carried burdens by hanging them from a yoke that fit across their shoulders. Being a carpenter by trade, Jesus probably made many such yokes. He recognized a good one from a bad one, and He knew that if a yoke didn't fit on the neck just right, it could make the load impossible to carry for very long.
The burden we all carry from birth to death is life itself. Jesus invites us to come to Him not to get rid of our burdens of life but to learn how to carry them. Jesus' life was one of great burdens, and even if you haven't discovered it yet, your life and mine will be the same. Although He has told us through the prophets that one day He will wipe away the tears from our eyes, that day has not yet come. And until then, tears are a part of our lives. Jesus told us what to expect: "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).
While this book espouses the ideal and looks forward to the time when all things will be made new, it's also about reality-the here and now. It's too late for us to pray that what has happened to our families will not happen. It's already happened. The challenge we now face as parents and grandparents is what we're going to do about it, and what God can help us do to mitigate the damages.
When a child has wandered away from the Lord and is doing crazy, heart-wrenching things, it's not unusual to think (even if you never actually ask the child), Why have you done this to me? Although the sins of the fathers, which we will discuss in chapter 8, are visited on the children, the added tragedy of this time in history is that the sins of the children are being visited upon the parents. It isn't uncommon for grown children to bring home their own children for their parents to raise. We had this experience, raising a granddaughter for five years. I'll share more about that later.
Although we love our children, our disappointment and frustration often find expression in anger. This anger may not be mere anger of the moment, such as when we lose our temper, but a deepening, continuing anger over time.
I used to believe that I didn't have a temper. Through the years I've discovered that I do. Though it has a long fuse and doesn't manifest itself through swearing and throwing things, it does damage relationships nonetheless. In my case anger comes from frustration, disappointment, or as a reaction to not feeling I'm in control of a particular situation. I don't fly off the handle, but I can tell when I'm angry, because I begin to feel it in my stomach. I express anger not so much by what I do as by what I say.
Sometimes when we speak of anger, we defend it by calling it righteous indignation. Other times we may point to Ephesians 4:26, which admonishes us to be angry and sin not. We also refer to the times Jesus became angry and, for example, proceeded to throw the money changers out of the Temple. Having righteous indignation and being angry without sinning may work for some people, but I've discovered that when I get angry, I usually end up sinning. And when I'm angry it's hard for me to be righteous!
I've also noticed that when I'm angry what I have to say at the time is usually not constructive and thus not worth saying. We often put up with a problem until we get upset and then try to solve it while we're angry. It's unfortunate that we don't address our problems before our tempers rise, but when we aren't angry, we don't want to talk about them!
You've probably heard the expression "Strike while the iron is hot." But in family situations experience has taught me that when the iron is hot is precisely not the time to strike. I'm not an expert in ferrous metals, but I understand that if you want to make a permanent change in the metal, you first get it red-hot. When it's pliable from the heat, the changes that are made are permanent.
I wish I had recognized this when the children were still young. Let me illustrate. Suppose our then teenage son is driving the car on a family outing. When he veers too close to another car, I get upset and shout, "What are you trying to do, get us all killed?"
The iron is hot. He's caught in the act. Embarrassed, his ears turn red and he mutters, "How come you're always hollering at me? Do you think I did it on purpose?"
Let's revisit this scenario. What would happen if at the time I said nothing but later while we're working around the house I say, "I'm thankful the angels protected us this morning."
What do you think my son would say in this case? Although we don't know for sure, he might have said something like "So am I. I didn't see the guy coming. I guess a person has to be on the lookout all the time."
You get the point. Our reactions to what our children and even our spouses do can make the situation better or worse. Anger-in my case, at least-always makes matters worse. I have come to a kind of agreement with myself. When I feel anger welling up, I disqualify myself because my anger creates a conflict of interest in whatever the problem is. I believe that even though I may have been right in the beginning, when I'm angry I've lost the moral high ground.
I try to make it a point to ask for forgiveness when I become angry. On occasion I've asked my wife for forgiveness, and she's responded, "For what?" Even though she may not have been aware I had a problem, I'm teaching myself a lesson. In my portfolio of possible reactions to a situation I do not accept anger as an option.
Some people feel that to repress anger can, in the long run, cause more damage than to let it out. In my case I don't repress my anger. I've discovered that prayer has the same effect on anger as water on a blaze. It puts it out. So when I feel anger well up, I don't repress it; I put it out with prayer.
The rebellion in heaven was against God Himself, yet instead of lashing out in anger, He reacted to save His children. The challenge we face as parents and grandparents is that we must not consider ourselves victims. Although we may have a hundred reasons to be angry, if we're to cooperate with God for the salvation of our children, we must remind ourselves: "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice" (Eph. 4:31).
Times come when parents feel they're being taken advantage of and wish they could say no, but feel obligated to say yes. Sometimes we may want to express how we really feel, but it would only make matters worse. How thankful I am for the biblical observation: "The love of Christ constraineth us" (2 Cor. 5:14).
The nice thing about having pets is that they seem to give more than they take. In the case of children sometimes it can, in the short run, appear to be just the opposite. One of our problems is that we've never passed this way before. Although we may have studied the subject of parenting and even may have taught seminars in family life, it doesn't make it any easier when we're told that a son or daughter has decided not to spend money to put their child in church school. We then realize that if the child is going to get a Christian education it will be up to us.
Sometimes we want to say, "Why are you doing this to me? I did everything I could for you." Many times I need to remind myself: "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things" (1 Cor. 13:11).
Self-Centered
Childhood is about being self-centered. But being adults means we've gotten past self-centeredness and are learning how to think of others rather than ourselves. This is difficult, because society actually encourages selfishness. We're urged to look out for ourselves first and not let anyone walk on us, not even our children.
You may be wondering why we should be talking about the possibility that we're angry with our children. After all, isn't our prayer "God, keep Your mansions"? I've come to the conclusion that it's in praying from the heart for my children that God is saving me. Inasmuch as God used us to create our children, if He is going to answer our prayers to save our children, He is going to need to be able to use us along the way.
We may realistically expect that our children, whether young or old, will tend to interpret who God is through us. It's my prayer that God, by His Spirit, will be able to bring the full force of conviction into my children's lives. But it's possible that my bad attitudes could keep this from happening.
We prayed for 10 years that God would restore our son. For a long time things didn't get better. At times they actually got worse. Many times we asked ourselves what good prayer did.
How often I wished that I would wake up one day and the problem would be over. The apostle Paul had what was apparently a physical problem. Some believe he had problems with his eyes, which may have been caused by his vision of Jesus on the road to Damascus. Whatever the problem, he prayed that he would be healed. Here was a man whose prayers healed others, yet they didn't seem to be working for him.
As a minister I have prayed for others, and many prayers have been answered. Nevertheless, often my prayers for my own suffering don't seem to bring results. I've found comfort in the words of Jesus to the apostle Paul, which are, I'm sure, His words to us as parents: "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Cor. 12:9).
Not all problems in my family are over. The alcoholism and drug addiction may be a thing of the past, but now unbelieving spouses and the pain of broken homes, with the impact of divorce on all of us, are the challenge and concern. It seems to be taking a long time for God to save our children, but there can be no doubt that along the way He is saving us.
Some years ago I had a bout with adhesive capsulitis (frozen shoulder). It was in my left shoulder, and without realizing it at first, I lost most of the range of motion in that arm. The treatment was physical therapy, which they sometimes refer to as PT. For me it was just that, pain and torture!
One morning I was at the clinic, and the therapist, who had a wonderful sense of humor, was giving me a treatment. I discovered that if I would raise my right leg just a little bit, it would affect the center of gravity, and the treatment wouldn't hurt so badly. Though it made the treatment less painful, it also made it less effective.
The therapist caught me in the act, and I'll never forget what she said: "You must submit. If you don't, the therapy will take longer."
The pain of the treatments was so bad that I wanted to get off the table and run away. But fortunately I wanted to get well even more. If we can trust in God and overcome the temptation to give up or to resist, He who has begun a good work in us will at last finish it (Phil. 1:6). Until then our strength is in our weakness, because it's when we're weak in our own strength that we become strong in Him.
- Consider These Things
- From birth to death, life is the burden we must all carry. Those who follow Jesus carry it best.
- Anger is often a result of our disappointment with our children.
- When we strike when the iron is hot, it may leave permanent results that we don't want.
- Prayer extinguishes anger.
- When we feel weak and helpless, we are more inclined to depend on Jesus than when everything is going well.
- Discuss With Someone
- Discuss how our anger may express itself in our relationship with our grown children who are disappointing us.
- Share some experiences you have had that caused your relationship with the Lord to grow.
A Parent's Prayer
Dear Father in heaven, it is hard to admit that our disappointment with our children often makes us very angry. Sometimes we wonder why they are doing this to us after all that we have tried to do for them. Lord, sometimes we do and say things that seem to make matters worse. Please forgive us. We want so much for our children to be saved! When we are tempted to have a bad attitude, may the Holy Spirit speak to us, reminding us to continue to trust You no matter how things might appear at the moment. Amen.
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