ICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE come from every walk of life, every class, every ethnic group, every age bracket. A battered person could be sitting in the church pew next to you. She could be the woman across the street, the nurse, the attorney, the hairdresser. He could be the neighbor, the mechanic, the teacher, the preacher. He or she may be one of the office staff, perhaps the elder’s or minister’s spouse. She even may be your sister or daughter; he may be your son or brother.

A battered person is a victim. His or her dreams of a happy marriage and a home that is truly a haven have become a nightmare of relentless assaults on one’s self-respect, of terror, helplessness, unpredictability, control, and isolation. It is impossible to categorize the perpetrators of domestic abuse. Abusive mates come from all sociodemographic backgrounds, and represent every racial, ethnic, educational, economic, religious, and social class. Abusers typically minimize, excuse, or deny the seriousness of their violent behavior and have an overwhelming need to control. They tend to be unreasonably jealous and intrusive, and are often manipulative. They can appear charming and seductive as well as mean and hostile. Many times they come from a violent and chaotic family background and/or have a history of antisocial behavior. There is often alcohol or drug use involved.

Although both men and women may use violence in their relationships, most women who are violent are reacting in self-defense after experiencing repeated aggression. Even though some studies seem to “prove” that women use violence almost as frequently as men, other researchers feel that those statistics don’t hold true when issues of design, quality of data, the kind of instrument used, and erroneous interpretations are taken into consideration.

Some Resources National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233). This toll-free number offers information and local referrals from anywhere in Canada and the United States. www.silcom.com. Offers practical information and links to counseling agencies and shelters in different parts of the United States. www.feminist.org/ 911/crisis.html. Offers domestic violence hot lines and resources by states. Also other helpful links. 4domesticviolence. 4anything.com. Offers resources worldwide. Domestic Violence Resources on the Internet. Type the words “domestic violence” in any search engine (yahoo.com, askjeeves.com, lycos.com, etc.), and you will find many other helpful resources, articles, and statistics.

Another factor is that in those studies only violent acts were reported. Not included were such things as the measure of severity of injury, intended action, and other antecedents or consequences to the conflict. The fact is that most abusers are men. Men use aggression as a means of controlling their partner.¹ Women are more likely to suffer physical injuries and serious psychological and emotional consequences as a result of battering. The church and society tend to encourage women to value relationships “at any cost,” and at the same time there is often a weak institutional response to domestic violence. The result is the entrapment of women in relationships that are at best psychologically damaging and at worst life-threatening. Thus the focus of this article will be on violence against women.

As with many complex issues, domestic violence does not happen in a vacuum. There are influences in society and in the church that aid violence: violence normalized by the media; substance abuse; lack of community; faulty past family models; inadequate training for marriage, parenthood, and relationships; promotion of instant gratification; lack of education and understanding of the cycle of violence; and faulty theological teachings about the role of suffering in the Christian life, marriage, the meaning of “headship” and “submission,” the “proper” role of men and women, and the power of prayer, to name a few.

Myths Versus Facts
In order to understand abuse better, we need to learn to separate fact from fiction, myth from reality. Here are some myths and facts to be aware of:

MYTH: All batterers are alike.
FACT: Jacobson and Gottman² identify at least two different types of abusers they call “cobras” and “pit bulls.”

Cobras are impulsive, have the need to get what they want when they want it, and feel entitled to it. Some of them lack a conscience and are incapable of feeling real remorse. They can become calm and lethal when they batter.

Pit bulls tend to confine their violence to family members, especially their wives. They have learned that battering is “tolerated” and thus “acceptable.” They dominate their wives in any way they can, and need control as much as the cobras do, but for different reasons.

Pit bulls are motivated by fear of being left, while cobras are motivated by a desire to get as much immediate gratification as possible.

MYTH: Batterers can’t control their anger.
FACT: In the vast majority of cases, battering is a choice in the same sense as all other voluntary actions. Batterers can learn to control their anger if they accept that it is a problem and are willing to receive help.

MYTH: Battering often stops on its own.
FACT: Battering seldom stops on its own and most often escalates if left without intervention.

MYTH: Women provoke men into battering them.
FACT: Battering is preceded by an internal buildup of tension in the batterer that seems to occur regardless of what the battered partner is doing or saying. Ultimately this tension leads to an explosion of violent rage.

MYTH: Women who stay in abusive relationships do so because they want to stay.
FACT: It is easier to get into an abusive relationship than it is to get out of one. Women are often afraid to leave, and with good reason, since the chances of getting seriously hurt or killed increase dramatically for the first two years after they separate from their husbands. Other women cannot financially afford to leave an abusive relationship, especially if they have children. After being subjected to physical and emotional abuse, women, particularly, experience lowering of self-esteem and trauma similar to that of soldiers in combat. As a result of suffering from this “posttraumatic stress disorder,” their parenting, problem-solving, and ability to plan for the future are disrupted. Some stay in violent relationships because they are holding on to a dream about what life could be like with their abusers. They hope to help them become normal spouses and parents. Many times the church encourages this dream. People love their mates, not because of the violence, but in spite of it.

MYTH: Battered women can stop the battering by changing their own behavior.
FACT: To imply that violence would stop if only the victim changed her behavior is to blame the victim for her own victimization.

Practical Steps
It would be naive to pretend to give solutions to the complex dynamics of domestic violence in this short space. Nevertheless, practical steps can be taken to help alleviate and prevent abuse. Let’s examine some of them.

Terminology Physical Abuse——Any act carried out with the intention of causing another person physical pain or injury, including slapping, shoving, pushing, beating, kicking, punching, limb-twisting, threatening with a weapon or using a weapon. It also includes throwing acid, boiling water, or objects; throwing the victim down, against a wall, or down stairs and any kind of aggressive behavior toward the victim’s body. Battering—Extreme form of physical violence that includes high levels of emotional abuse, including an attempt on the part of the batterer to control and intimidate his or her partner.3 Emotional Abuse—A variety of behaviors such as verbal threats; intimidating actions, including destruction of property or pets; unrealistic demands for perfection; and humiliating or degrading remarks directed toward the partner. Controlling behaviors, including limiting the partner’s access to family and friends, or to economic and other resources, are also considered emotional abuse.

Promote mutuality in relationships. There is a general consensus among researchers that issues of control, power, and oppression are at the heart of battering. Research shows that when there’s more equality in marriage, there’s less violence. Therefore, whenever we support the biblical view of mutual submission, servanthood, and respect (Eph. 5:21-6:9; Phil. 2:5; Gal. 3:28; Matt. 20:20-28), and model it in our interactions at the different levels of the church, we contribute to the creation of a nonviolent culture.

Speak and educate about issues of violence. Silence breeds the continuation of abuse. Victims need to hear clear statements against abuse, and congregations need to be educated about how to create an atmosphere in which victims can safely tell their stories and find help.

Provide for the needs of women and men caught in the cycle of violence. The woman needs to be believed, validated, helped in finding resources available, and protected from harmful acts. The man needs to be supported, confronted, taught to stop being violent, and held accountable. Both partners need to be put in contact with those who can help and with the professional resources necessary to bring about change. Although church members and friends cannot offer the specialized help the couple needs from professionals, they can offer the practical support of friendship, understanding, financial help, transportation, and referrals as needed.

Teach parents how to parent successfully. The latest DNA research seems to indicate that there might be certain inborn characteristics that can bring a tendency to violence. There is also evidence that these tendencies can be curbed if parents set firm limits while showing love and affection. Interest-ingly, it is the home environment that promotes optimal growth and health in all children. If we can begin early enough, we can minimize the damage done by domestic violence among future generations.

Provide training in interpersonal skills and conflict resolution for children and youth, as well as for adults. Too often Christians are taught to avoid conflict. Yet unresolved conflict tends to eventually build pressures that destroy relationships. Healthy relationships have conflicts, but the parties will find ways of working through them instead of ignoring them. If our young people are taught healthy models of conflict resolution, violence is less likely to occur.

We need to care and love enough to learn, talk, and act in relation to issues of abuse. Sometimes it’s part of a traditional culture. Sometimes, as in North America, it’s a problem that’s overlooked or hidden because of the unwillingness of people to become involved in private, personal matters between a husband and wife and their children.

We cannot wait for “the church” to take action. The most important tasks of the church, especially the loving concern for the wounded, need to be done by everyone, everywhere, every day.

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¹ L.E.A. Walker, The Battered Woman Syndrome, 2nd ed. (New York: Springer Pub. Co., 2000), p. 181.
² N. S. Jacobson and J. M. Gottman, When Men Batter Women (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1998), pp. 34-57.
³  Ibid., p. 1.

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Ada Garcia is a family therapist, speaker, growth coach, and consultant who lives in Berrien Springs, Michigan.