BY RICHARD STENBAKKEN
 T WAS ONE OF THOSE “BLUEBIRD” CLEAR, crisp
mountain days for which Colorado’s ski slopes are famous. The sky was brilliant,
the snow was perfect for skiing, and I was having a great day on the slopes.
Skiing down one trail that was somewhat new to me, I saw another trail that
looked interesting. It seemed to beckon to me. Ah! Something exciting! New!
A challenge, I reflected to myself, coasting to a stop at the entrance to
the new trail.
As I stood there, just before pushing off down the narrow
chute through the trees (my ski tips were already starting over the edge onto
the new territory), I heard the voice of a friend as he sped by. “Where are
you going?” |
My reply was innocent and instant: “Gonna try this new run!
It looks interesting!”
“You idiot!” shot back my friend. “That’s the ski jump!”
Well, that put a totally new perspective on the adventure.
A text flashed into my mind: “There is a way that seems right to a man, but
in the end it leads to death” (Prov. 14:12). While I love to ski, I prefer to
fly in airplanes, not off ski jumps. The warning changed my plans, and undoubtedly
my future as well. Suddenly that which at one moment looked interesting, inviting,
and exciting became threatening, dangerous, and to be avoided at all costs.
If that path had been taken, there would have been precious
few chances to change course. Somewhere there would come a “point of no return”
and a shattering finish. Even if I changed my mind along the way, there is a
thing called momentum, which would have delivered me to disaster even as I wanted
fervently to stop. I was just one little nudge away from a life-altering (and
maybe life-ending) experience. All it would have taken was a small push. The
event still causes me to shudder. Of course, I changed course and stayed on
the safe trail.
Life Lessons
There’s a vital lesson here. Just one little nudge can send
us down a slippery slope that can end in disaster and destruction. Decisions
and actions inevitably lead to outcomes and consequences.
Sexual affairs are very much like my near disaster on the
ski slope. No one I have counseled with who has been caught up in a sexual affair
has ever intended to get involved in an affair. “It just happened,” is the comment
most often heard. The reality is that once someone gets close to the edge of
an affair or a ski jump, there had better be some quick, decisive, clear thinking,
or one little nudge can result in catastrophe.
Sexual involvement in the workplace or in a friendship is
more common than we realize. And those situations do have some common steps
(or slips). The first and most dangerous is the idea that sex is no big deal.
That is a denial of reality. Unless you have been dead at least three days,
sex is a big deal, no matter who you are. No one is invulnerable. After all,
God designed us with a natural, built-in sexual attraction. Sexuality is a very
big deal.
Look at Adam’s response when he first saw Eve: “This is
now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Gen. 2:23). The New English
Bible gets closer to the Hebrew text with “Now this, at last . . .” Or as
we might put it today: “Wow! At last!” Adam was excited. His words were
not just some poetic response. He was all eyes and immediately attracted to
her. That’s a big deal. Such a big deal that Adam elected to give up Paradise
to stay with Eve (see Patriarchs and Prophets, p. 56).
Samson liked what he saw and said to his horrified parents,
“She’s the right one for me” (Judges 14:3). He saw, he wanted. In verse 7 we
read, “Then he went down and talked with the woman, and he liked her.” Interesting
indeed. Up to this point he apparently had not yet talked with her. He just
saw her and made a decision. That lack of thinking things through caused Samson
lifelong and life-ending problems.
Sexual attraction is a big deal? Ask David. All he did initially
was look at Bathsheba. The looking turned to attraction (lust) and actions,
including adultery, murder, and living a lie. Sexual attraction is a big deal.
To think otherwise is denial. Denial is dangerous.
Contrast for a moment some differences that might exist
between the home and workplace environments.
Anatomy of an Affair
In his groundbreaking book Sex in the Forbidden Zone,
Peter Rutter, M.D., shares some startling conclusions from 1,000 interviews,
case studies, and contacts with people who were involved in sexual affairs.
While what he wrote about was men in positions of trust and authority having
affairs with women under their spheres of responsibility (the men were therapists,
medical doctors, clergy, lawyers, and teachers), the same dynamics apply to
women as well.
What Rutter discovered is a slippery slope leading to an
affair as surely as my skis could have led me down the jump. The steps he discovered
for men who are crossing the boundary into sexual affairs are:
I’m looking her over (Samson and David merely looked at
first).
- Is she interested in me?
- What would she be like to touch?
- I can’t stop fantasizing about her.
- I’ll ask about her sex life.
- I’ll ask if she fantasizes about me.
- I’ll close the physical space between us.
- I’ll test the waters by being suggestive and see how she
responds.
- I think she is being seductive toward me.
- Fantasy about seducing her.
- Considerations:
- Can I get away with it?
- If it feels right, it can’t be wrong.
- The voice of conscience.
- All restraints are gone:
- Decision to go ahead.
- Arrange a meeting.
Note: You can turn back at any point before
the final step.
- Consummation of the affair.
In Rutter’s study things started for the men with looking,
then progressed to fantasy (imaginative looking). Men are visually stimulated
and tend to experience intimacy as touching. Women, on the other hand, tend
to connect emotionally and experience intimacy as talking.
So what does this mean for preventing affairs in the workplace
or in friendships? Look at the progression. First he looks, then he begins to
speak to her. She is pleased that he is connecting with her by talking. She
may even respond with a friendly touch to his hand or arm. This tends to confirm
his fantasies, and he begins to talk to her at deeper, more intimate levels.
She feels connected. One little nudge, and down the ski jump they careen.
Eternal Vigilance
Maybe they don’t intend for an affair to begin, but it surely
can. She may be looking to fill a need of belonging and appreciation, of personal
worth and value. But the seeds of an affair are easily, and often unintentionally,
sown.
Another portrait of those who get caught up in affairs is
that they are:
Hungry for emotional support, appreciation, and affection.
Angry because they feel neglected or unappreciated. Lonely because
they feel isolated. Tired because of full work schedules or high emotional
demands. People who have these issues in their lives are very vulnerable to
affairs. If they experience these dynamics they must HALT, face reality
(denial can be deadly), and get help immediately.
The preventive here is SALT. That stands for: Satisfied
with my relationships. Appreciated by those close to me. Loved
by those who count. Treasured for my uniqueness and who I am by those
who matter in my life and work. These people are much less likely to be tempted
into an affair.
Practical Applications to Prevent Affairs
Fortunately, there are voices of warning to keep us from
thundering down the slippery slope to certain disaster. But we must listen and
heed the information. To deny the reality is a design for disaster.
One of those voices is the wisdom of Scripture. Among others
are these shouts of information:
- “You shall not commit adultery” (Ex. 20:14).
- “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife” (Ex. 20:17).
- Jesus expanded these to include the lustful look (Matt.
5:27, 28).
- Seek the good of others over your own desires, and “do .
. . all for the glory of God” (1 Cor. 10:24 and 31).
- Even things that are permissible are not always beneficial.
“The body is not meant for sexual immorality” (1 Cor. 6:12, 13).
Home
dress is casual or “dumpy”
grooming is partially or totally lacking
communication limited to chores
few compliments or appreciations
daily, deadly routine
just Mr. or Mrs. (ego busting) — the one who takes out the trash
Workplace
dress for success: neat, clean, attractive
want to look our best every day
talk about challenges and opportunities
awards, recognition, compliments, promotions
variation, celebrations, appreciations
the boss, the able assistant (ego building)
|
Those of us who are clearly visually attracted need to remember
the words of one who knew their meaning from bitter experience. David said in
Psalm 101:3, “I will set before my eyes no vile thing.” This includes the imaginations
and fantasies of my heart and mind as well as the obvious things that can lead
us to come close to and/or cross boundaries of proper thought and conduct. It
is much better to think on the things Paul lists in Philippians 4:8, those things
that are true, noble, right, pure, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy.
There are some very easy and practical things we can do
to send the right signals to others. It can start with the way we dress (men
and women). As Christians we want to present a positive attitude. Some clothing
sends a mixed message at best and a dangerous message at worst. Beware of what
you wear.
In Bounds, Out of Bounds
Keeping clear boundaries in relationships is an absolute
necessity. Reread the story of Joseph in Genesis 39. Joseph was “well-built
and handsome” (verse 6), and you can be sure Mrs. Potiphar, with all her wealth
and access to beauty treatments, wasn’t the ugly duckling of Egypt.
But Joseph knew the boundaries, even if Mrs. P didn’t.
One way to clarify boundaries is to keep photographs of
your spouse and/or children in clear view in your workplace. It sends a signal
that these are important people in your life, and clarifies where your loyalties
are.
A key concept to help anyone remain loyal to their spouse
is to keep 1 Corinthians 10:12, 13 in mind: “So, if you think you are standing
firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what
is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond
what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out
so that you can stand up under it.”
The challenge for us mere mortals is to look for that escape
point before the thrill outweighs the will and we have no desire to escape.
Listen to that voice before you launch: “Not down that path!
The end is disaster!”
*Scripture references in this article are from the New International
Version.
_________________________
Richard Stenbakken is director of Adventist Chaplaincy Ministries for the General Conference.
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