From The Intimate Marriage—Connecting With the One You Love, by Alberta Mazat. Copyright © by Review & Herald Publishing Association, Hagerstown, Maryland. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

ometimes people get uneasy when we talk about emotions. It calls to mind something difficult to understand, to identify or cope with. To tell a woman “You are so emotional—just like a woman!” is generally not a compliment. Nor does a man feel complimented to be told that he wears his emotions on his sleeve. Most men believe that they are more “male” if they show emotions very sparingly.

Yet emotional intimacy in marriage concerns how well a wife and husband feel connected, cared for, loved, listened to, accepted, and cherished. We have a need to share deeply with someone to whom we have entrusted our love and faithfulness. Marriage provides the best setting for the growth of emotional intimacy, though it certainly does not guarantee it. Someone has facetiously said that developing an intimate relationship “comes about as naturally as learning the skill of brain surgery.” Couples who find intimacy an elusive quality might agree.

When we consider three of the necessary ingredients for emotional intimacy, we can better understand how it can be difficult to realize. The first is a time commitment, the second is relationship skills, and the third is self-disclosure. We will now look at each of these.

Time commitment. Obviously this is vital. In this frenzied world, couples find it difficult to devote specified minutes and hours for just the two of them. Some couples tell us that they even have difficulty making time for physical intimacy.

Relationship skills. This second ingredient, also known as interpersonal skills, makes it possible for the relationship to go beyond adequate to harmonious and need-filling. Our culture has not put much value on teaching interpersonal skills at any level—as if they will come naturally for most people. Divorce statistics belie this notion.

How we “get along” in our relationships affects our total existence. Our training for these skills is largely “on-the-job.” Much of it is by trial and error: When behavior brings pain, we try to avoid that behavior. When avoidance seems to work, we mentally label it “this works.” But if it doesn’t work the next time, we get confused—and try something else.

Such mismanagement of relationships can cost us emotional stress, pain, and alienation. The more intimate the relationship is, the greater will be the cost. Since the marital relationship is surely the closest human relationship we enter into, it will feel its fair share of distress.

Perhaps this accounts for the great amount of interest Ellen White took in marriage and family matters. As people sought advice for their relationships, she spent great amounts of time writing out counsel suited to their individual needs. We have been blessed with two separate volumes of this counsel—preserved because it can be applicable to the needs of others. But we must never forget that the counsel was meant for specific people with specific problems, and though adaptable, it should not be applied to everyone across the board.

The Adventist Home and Child Guidance contain this material. Interestingly, at the time these books were compiled, you couldn’t find many books on Christian marriage and effective child-rearing techniques. Such topics were not on the tips of most tongues, as they are now. In fact, marriage was then considered more of a legal union than an emotional tie. Sharing feelings, values, and goals would seem foreign to wives addressing husbands formally as “Mr. Jones.”

This is why it seems so remarkable that Ellen White wrote with such sensitivity and addressed so many emotionally involved issues. Marital interaction receives her pen’s attention with great regularity. We will list here some of the themes that recur over and over in her books. They provide excellent guidelines for wives and husbands truly eager to have a relationship that is satisfying and growth-producing.

A brief suggestion: We are sometimes prone to read them as though they were written for our spouse only: “I surely hope Jeff pays attention to that third point” or “That is Emmy all over again.” Instead, silently and thoughtfully read the list in a very selfconfrontative manner: “Do I ever do that? . . . H’mm—I could really benefit by thinking that one through . . . As much as I hate to admit it, my behavior yesterday afternoon really ignored that counsel . . . Oops! This one’s for me!”

With that caution in mind, look at the relationship skills Ellen White recommends.

1. Be quick to recognize the good qualities of the other.
2. Give love rather than exact it.
3. Express appreciation often.
4. Be gentle in speech.
5. Keep sharpness out of the voice.
6. Practice little courtesies. 
7. Watch for chances to express affection and tender regard.
8. Don’t make a practice of trying to get the other to follow your wishes.
9. Make a habit of encouraging each other.

All of these recommendations are taken from Sections V and VI of The Adventist Home. It is not by oversight that I have not included the page numbers where they are located. You will benefit by looking for them in these pages, since you will then find many other related suggestions.

Even a cursory look at this skills list reminds us how often communication is involved. This is not surprising, for it is the means by which we are known to one another. I do not plan to go deeply into that topic. There are many fine books on the market now to address this issue.

But I will mention that Scripture does a remarkable work of getting much valuable counsel into a small space. Attention to these exhortations alone would rescue many marriages from unnecessary pain, misunderstanding, argument, and alienation—as well as solve the divorce problem. See if you don’t agree.

Warnings “A harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1, NIV). Temper is folly (Prov. 14:29). Don’t let unwholesome talk come out of your mouth (Eph. 4:29). “Live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18, NIV). “Let us stop passing judgment on one another” (Rom. 14:13, NIV). Love doesn’t boast, isn’t rude (1 Cor. 13:4, 5). Love does not keep a record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:5). Promises “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Prov. 15:1, NIV). He who guards his tongue keeps himself from calamity (James 3:2). A patient man has understanding (Prov. 14:29). “He who holds his tongue is wise” (Prov. 10:19, NIV). Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the head, Christ (Eph. 4:15). And there are others—why not add them to this list as you find them?

Self-disclosure. While it is absolutely essential to intimacy, self-disclosure does not always elicit positive images. Our popular culture has made “telling all” almost a spectator sport—certainly it is a means of attracting publicity and making money. We decry the talk shows, radio call-ins, and endless printed exposés of verbal exhibitionists who reveal personal information for which there seems to be an insatiable audience. Christians will surely avoid being part of the market for this type of self-disclosure. When sharing parts of our lives with others becomes self-serving, it is suspect. When its purpose is to elicit sympathy or shock, when employed with any manipulative intent, it has missed the purposes we are proposing for consideration here.

Some feel that even when Christians talk to others about feelings connected with their problems, they are exhibiting weakness. The “stiff upper lip” school believes everyone should bravely keep such things to themselves. We occasionally will hear people lauded for “never once complaining,” even through recurring violence or abuse. This type of silence is no virtue, and it often prevents both perpetrator and victim from receiving the help they need.

We find some very positive examples of self-disclosure in Scripture. Our heavenly Father has often shared His emotions. How much this has meant to us! How generously He has expressed His devoted care and endless acceptance. He tells us that He rejoices over us, He expresses confidence in us, and He lets us know how eager He is to be with us eternally. He shares with us His great heart of love, His pity, and His comfort as He is touched with our sadness. How impoverished our picture of God would be if these disclosures were not recorded. Hear our Elder Brother say, “ I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15, NIV). How we treasure His plans for us—right down to the rooms He now is preparing for us. In especially touching moments we are deeply affected when He shares with us His anguish and pain. We feel even closer to Him in our own pain, because we realize that He has been there before us.

Paul was also a “discloser.” Not only did he teach, preach, and exhort; he shared personal experiences and feelings with his coworkers and converts. He offered explanations for his actions so that they might understand him better. He writes, “We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us” ( 1 Thess. 2:8, NIV). In our interaction with others it is not enough to talk about the “head things”; the “heart things” are also part of our ministry.

Yet let’s not overlook what proceded self-disclosure in Paul’s account. Feelings of love and concern for the listener should precede sharing ourselves with others. These emotions give some protection against using disclosure solely for our own benefit (our own therapy), rather than the other’s. Paul states that the purpose of his disclosures was for “building you up not for tearing you down” (2 Cor. 13:10, NIV). Let’s look at the important implications of that wise statement.

A “building-up” disclosure would encourage, support, and motivate. It would help one to realize that others had come through similar problems and can truly empathize. It might share steps another has taken to surmount them. The discloser could share how God had provided the courage needed on a day-by-day basis.

In contrast, the “tearing-down” type of disclosure would make the listener feel more distressed, insecure, and confused. It could give the alreadyburdened person an additional load. It would decidedly not be the atmosphere for emotional intimacy.

When you think about it, expressing love for our partner is self-disclosure. It is  disclosing our feelings in a way that brings happiness and satisfaction. I have heard some spouses say that it shouldn’t always be necessary to repeat our love and devotion, to express appreciation over and over again.

I don’t know what incident prompted these words of Ellen White to her son Edson and his wife, but I treasure them: “No one in the world ever longed more earnestly for appreciation and fellowship than did Christ. He hungered for sympathy. His heart was filled with a longing desire that human beings might to appreciate the gift of God to the world.”¹

And here’s another thought. We are moved at how frequently God shares His love with us in Scripture. He finds many ways to let us know how dearly we are cherished, and how much we are valued in His loving thought. Rather than just saying it once—say, in John 3:16—God tells us of His great love again and again. Why is that? To be sure that we will never forget it? Yes, but I think there is a another deeper reason that really warms my heart.

He just loves to say it. This emotion is so strong that to utter it gives Him pleasure! I can understand that, can’t you? Do you remember the first time you let the words fall from your lips? It is usually so memorable for most couples that they can tell you exactly where they were when they first spoke those words. That was a disclosure so wonderful!

Intimacy is nourished on words of love, appreciation, and sympathy. In intimate marriages, there will be no hesitancy in generously offering this love-preserver. Like their heavenly Father, His earthly sons and daughters—and husbands and wives—will often and eagerly express their love.

It is understandably more difficult for some spouses to share feelings. Not all of us were reared in homes in which parents talked to each other in loving tones and shared information and experiences that demonstrated their devotion to one another. Many of us may have “learned” that it was easier to stay out of trouble if we didn’t talk about things such as frustration, resentment, or anger. Through the years we may have been frightened or reluctant to risk being laughed at, teased, or lectured. Expressing feelings, particularly negative ones, might have elicited responses such as “That was really dumb!”; “Why did you do that?”; “ That’s a silly way to feel”; or “Christians don’t talk like that!”

Homes are not the only places that discourage telling about ourselves. Sometimes it can be an insensitive member of the extended family, a thoughtless neighbor, a teacher, or even a church member who might give responses that show a lack of understanding. People will sometimes report, “I learned early that the safest way to get along was just to keep my mouth shut!”

Many husbands and wives, reporting on early experiences right after marriage when they felt more free about self-disclosing, say they learned that it wasn’t such a good idea. Here are a few examples of responses that demonstrate why they are reluctant now:

• “You sound just like your mother.”
• “You think you had a bad day—wait till you hear what
  happened to me.”
• “You handled that wrong—this is what you should do.”
• “I didn’t mean anything by that—can’t you take a joke?”

Tired of being ignored, interrupted, corrected, and criticized, spouses refrain from opening themselves to each other—and in turn, cut themselves off from the comfort, validation, encouragement, and companionship that intimate marriages were designed by God to provide. 

Spouses do not deliberately set about to sabotage intimacy in their marriages. Most brides and grooms plan for happiness, and indeed long for the intimacies that they believe will come naturally with marriage. Many are unaware that their words and actions can prompt withdrawal and antagonism. When not reared in a home that placed a premium on good communication, they have not come from a good “learning place.” If most of what is heard and observed is unworthy of imitation, a lot of repair work may need to be done to introduce more winsome ways of “wifing” and “husbanding.”

I am stressing this because probably some of you are parents. You should realize that you are now providing your children with marital patterns that they will be prone to follow in future years. It is sobering to remember that we can affect the quality of our children’s marriages.

We have talked about the responses that “choke off” self-disclosure. Here are some responses that make one glad they shared their feelings, values, and goals—so much so that they will do it regularly and eagerly:

• “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
• “H’mm. That’s an interesting viewpoint—it’s a new thought to me.”
• “It really makes me feel special when you confide in me.”
• “I’m glad you told me how you feel about that—it makes me feel closer to you.”
• “I can tell that really means a lot to you.”
• “I really value your opinion.”
• “I’m not sure I agree with that idea, but I appreciate your sharing it. Let me think about it.” (And then do just that.)
• “When we share our ideas and thoughts like this, it makes me realize what emotional intimacy means; it’s really a special “married” feeling.”
• “I used to dream about being able to talk things over like this—it is so great that we are getting better and better at it.”

These are only suggestions, and obviously you will want to put them into your own words. Keep trying, and soon your responses will come naturally. 

There are several very important general guidelines for sharing:

1. Listen! Don’t let your mind wander or try to rehearse what you are going to say while your partner is talking. Pauses are good for conversations. They keep the head in gear and prevent runaway talking, which so often gets one into trouble. Keep your mind on what is being said. Look at your partner—and touch, if that will help keep you in the moment. One of the most precious gifts we can give our partner is undivided listening. It is a way of saying, “At this moment nothing is more important than what you are telling me, and I give my attention to you.” (Why not try this right away?)

Find out what your current level of “listen-ability” is by answering the following questions. You probably will get some clues about how well you and your spouse are communicating. It will work with neighbors and bosses, too.

Check Your “Listen-ability”

1. Do you find it difficult to keep your mind from wandering when your mate is speaking?
2. When your mate is talking, do you try to sense how she/he is feeling about the matter being discussed?
3. Do certain phrases used by your mate prejudice you so that you cannot listen objectively (e.g., “my mother says . . .”; “the pastor thinks . . .”, etc.)?
4. When you are puzzled or annoyed by something that’s been said, do you try to get the question straightened out before going on?
5. When you feel your mate is going on with greater detail and taking more time than you think is necessary, do you tune her/him out by reading, watching TV, or simply withdrawing?
6. When you don’t feel like talking, do you pretend to pay attention as though you are listening but actually withdraw from the conversation?
7. Does your body language (eye contact, nodding, facial expressions) tell your mate that you are listening to what is being said?
8. Can you listen without being defensive in your mind when you disagree?
9. Are you an interrupter, eager to make your views known?
10. Do you ask your spouse to repeat ideas that are confusing or troubling?
11. Do you find yourself getting your next response ready while your mate is talking?
12. Can you respond with empathetic feedback even when you disagree?
13. Can you discuss your own and your spouse’s answers to the above questions without denying, criticizing, blaming, or withdrawing?

2. Agreement is not the issue. You are entitled to your own thoughts, ideas, and opinions. Whether you are right or wrong isn’t important. What is important is showing respect, love, and acceptance—prime ingredients of any kind of intimacy. Can couples share their disagreements? Of course! Sometimes it can be very stimulating to discuss these. But that may be “postgraduate” marriage communication! If you are finding that disagreements cause hurtful arguments, you are probably still at the “undergraduate level” of communication and will need some remedial work before you are ready to discuss issues that are dividing you.

 3. Keep it clear. You each have a responsibility to clarify what you do not understand. If you don’t understand a word, phrase, or sentence, ask for some help. Maybe the tone of voice doesn’t seem to match what was being said—for instance, a loud, harsh voice talking about caring and cherishing. Express your confusion and ask for help in understanding the message you are getting.

 4. Reward! Reward! Tell yourself how well you listened, how it really helped to touch, use eye contact, or talk winsomely. Then tell your spouse what was really meaningful for you about her/his listening behavior. Note any and all improvements. Remember, don’t wait for perfection to compliment—improvement will do fine. Any small step in the right direction is cause for big-time celebration. You might even ask for feedback about your own responses. Hugs and kisses are good rewards too!

By now someone may be wondering whether it wouldn’t be better just to altogether avoid communication that is not sunny, pleasant, and positive. Why not just repress all negative feelings? If we removed from Scripture anything but sunny, pleasant, positive communication, we wouldn’t have much left. Out goes David, Solomon, and Elijah. Goodbye to Peter and Paul. We are not yet in that “land that is fairer than day,” so for a while longer we will have to reckon with negative, hurtful, painful circumstances.

There are also some very good reasons that negative feelings must be shared. Unexpressed and consistently repressed feelings of anger and fear can cause emotional/psychological problems that can eventually explode in rage and violence. Unexpressed feelings can distance partners, damaging feelings of intimacy. On the other hand, if these feelings are shared with the purpose of removing barriers and bringing a better understanding, intimacy and trust will be enhanced. As Paul says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph. 4:29, NIV).

Health educators tell us that when people can confide their problems and concerns, their immune systems function better. This is another amazing example of how closely the systems of our body are interrelated. And no doubt one of the reasons we are exhorted to:

• Share one another’s burdens! (see Gal. 6:2).
• “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other”
  (James 5:16, NIV).
• “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom. 12:15, NIV).
• “Be kind and compassionate to one another” (Eph. 4:32, NIV).
• “Encourage one another and build each other up”
  (Thess. 5:11, NIV).

Conclusions
Emotional intimacy is not easy to attain, nor is it an invariable state. Couples feel more emotionally intimate at some times than others. Pause to talk together about the times you feel most intimate with each other. It would not be at all surprising if your partner had a different “intimacy gauge” than you do. Be glad that you know when you can add to your spouse’s feelings of married intimacy—what a privilege! And it’s yours alone.

Finally, realize that emotional intimacy needs continual attention and nurture. Ellen White once counseled, “The real union of the two in wedlock is the work of the after years.”² She also made the interesting comment that “it would be more appropriate to let some of the hours of courtship before marriage run through the married life.”³ Isn’t that a great observation!

But here is the capstone—the word of encouragement we all need as we seek to bring heaven into our marriages: “God is love and by His grace you can succeed in making each other happy, as in your marriage vows you promised to do.”⁴

In this chapter we have emphasized the importance of emotional intimacy through effective communication. Since there can be no intimacy without emotions, sharing feelings is crucial. Read through the following exercise with your spouse. Checking the appropriate box could help put into words what is sometimes difficult to share verbally. Remember, the true value of doing this together is the discussion that can follow.

Communicating for Intimacy

1. I don’t share my inner feelings with my partner because
   _____ she/he is not interested.
   _____ I don’t want to bother her/him with them.
   _____ I have never been able to express myself very well.
   _____ she/he doesn’t share feelings either; it’s a pattern.
   _____ even though I would like to, it seems to threaten my partner.

2. It’s hard for me to discuss my weaknesses and failures because
   _____ my partner might think less of me.
   _____ my partner would say I’m exaggerating.
   _____ my partner might say I’m silly to feel that way.
   _____ she/he might not listen, and then I’d really feel bad.

3. If I did share, I wish my partner would
   _____ hug me, comfort me, and tell me I’m great!
   _____ tell me what I’m doing wrong and correct me.
   _____ give me advice on how I could handle things.
   _____ try to make jokes and tease me out of my feelings.

4. It’s hard for us to talk over our problems together because
   _____ we get into arguments and end up angry or hurting.
   _____ we usually skip them and hope for the best.
   _____ we usually end up doing what my partner suggests.
   _____ we don’t have a dependable method for problem-solving.

5. When my partner hurts my feelings
   ____ I let it go. She/he will be defensive if I bring it up, and I’ll end up feeling misunderstood.
   _____ I wonder what I’ve done wrong now!
   _____ I tell my partner, and she/he says I’m too sensitive.
   _____ I tell my partner, we talk it over, accept apologies, and make up (sometimes with loving enthusiasm!).

6. If we should have problems in the area of sexuality
   _____ we never have problems.
   _____ we never discuss it—it’s too embarrassing.
   _____ we would share what we are experiencing comfortably.
   _____ we would seek help through reading or counseling.
   _____ I could count on my spouse to be sensitive and loving.
   _____ I would feel comfortable talking to my spouse about what I think would enhance our sexuality for me.

_________________________
¹ This Day With God, p. 189.
² The Adventist Home, p. 105.
³ Ibid., p.56
⁴ Ibid., p. 112.

_________________________
Alberta Mazat