Too Young 2B in Love
We have told our sons they can’t date until late in their teenage years. But our 14-year-old has a girlfriend he thinks he’s in love with who lives 11 miles away. Calling her is a long-distance call. After he pressured us, we said he could see her once a week and call a couple times a week. He still thinks we’re being unfair, and he doesn’t believe we are doing what is best for him. “Love” has caused our house to become a war zone.—A mom caught in between.

Dear Mom of Love and War:
As much as parents might wish, we can’t schedule “love” for the late teen years or repress it when we think it hits prematurely. I see nothing wrong with your policies. The problem is getting your son to accept them. A completely different strategy may win the war for you.

1. Instead of fighting teenage love, accept it. Say, “God created us to be attracted to the opposite sex. It’s fun to have these feelings because you know you’re growing up. It’s a whole new stage of life that God has opened to you, with its own operating manual. We’re here to help you understand your feelings and make wise choices. But we sometimes err by making rules that we think will protect you, rather than helping you to learn all you can about your body, how it responds, and what you should do to program it for future happiness, courtship, and marriage.” Then encourage your son to talk about his girlfriend: what he likes about her, her interests, her talents, and her family. Talk about his feelings. Talking may release some of the pressure of having to be together.

2. Let other authorities teach your son (unfortunately, when it comes to young love, parents are often the last people kids ask for advice). That’s why I wrote When You’re Serious About Love (AdventSource: 1-800-309-LOVE). Read it first—or read it together if he doesn’t mind. Don’t come with the attitude “See, that’s what I was trying to tell you”; rather, let the book speak for itself. Talk openly. Tell your son how you felt when you first fell in love. En-courage him to make decisions about the development of this relationship, based on what he wants for himself in the future.

3. Use “love” as a motivator. When teens connect, the attraction can be the strongest motivator of their lives. Use it to help your son become a better person. What could he do to earn time to see her, to earn money to call her? If you take your time to take him to see his friend, consider how much your time is worth. Have him make a plan to make extra money for phone calls and gas, such as getting homework done, helping with chores, practicing extra minutes, working for the neighbors, etc.

The more a teenage “love” connection can become a family matter by including the girlfriend and other peers in family activities, the healthier it will be.

Sabbath Service
I was shocked when I heard an announcement in church reminding teens to bring rakes to church so they could rake leaves for people in the community who weren’t able to do so. Is raking leaves an appropriate Sabbath activity?—Lindsey from Colorado.

Dear Lindsey:
The question of what is proper Sabbath observance is a personal issue and differs among ethnic and cultural groups. One cannot dictate to others what one’s own conscience considers right or wrong.

Although raking leaves is normally considered “work,” it could also be considered a good Samaritan gesture—such as fixing sandwiches for the hungry—that many Sabbath schools do.

Perhaps a solution would be to offer several different “helping” activities on Sabbath and encourage the youth to participate in the one they feel most comfortable with. Helping others is something that we should be encouraging our youth to do more of. It decreases selfishness—and promotes a better understanding of the plight of the less fortunate. And let’s not limit these activities to Sabbath.

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Kay Kuzma, Ed.D., is founder and speaker of Family Matters. Send your questions and comments to Dr. Kay, c/o Family Matters, 1105 Big Creek Road, LaFollette, TN 37766; or via e-mail to kaykuzma@aol.com.