BY WILLIE AND ELAINE OLIVER
Invitations--$975.
Flowers--$1,400.
Wedding Gown--$2,500.
Reception--$5,000.
Premarital Guidance--Priceless.
illions of Americans tuned in to watch the two-hour prime-time show Who Wants to
Marry a Millionaire? aired on national television the night after Valentine's Day. The reactions of
most people to the show ran the gamut from amusement to shock, disbelief, and indignation. The
television show, which aired on the Fox network (and affiliates) across the United States,
allowed a mystery millionaire to pick a bride--with the help of friends and family--from 50
women. Before the groom could choose, each semifinalist was interviewed. Physical attributes
were also displayed as each woman modeled beachwear for the bachelor and viewing audience.
The soon-to-be-husband selected his bride, and the couple wed a few moments later--right after
the commercial break--without ever meeting each other and obviously without any type of
premarital education. This couple tied the knot before learning the ropes and after a few days had
their marriage annulled.
One may quickly recognize that this high-viewer ratings show closely reflects the
prevailing view of marriage in our society today. The parallel is almost too close for
comfort--have beautiful wedding pageantry and then dissolve the relationship because of
irreconcilable differences.
According to the executive producer, the show itself was successful because of wish
fulfillment--most people wish for a relationship. Isn't it interesting that no matter how much our
world tries to deny God, we always have to go back to the Creator? God created us to be in
relationship; first with Him and then with one another. And the need to belong and be a part of
someone else's life is still one of our primary basic needs.
Furthermore, most people want a satisfying marriage relationship that lasts a lifetime. The
fact that almost 50 percent of all first-time marriages end in divorce has not deterred many from
matrimony. Recent survey results tell us that teenagers still put having a happy marriage and
family as their number one goal. Sadly, far too many couples enter marriage with as little
preparation as did the two people who became husband and wife on the television show. Most
couples spend an enormous amount of time, energy, and resources preparing for a wedding day
that lasts a few hours. Not as much time is spent getting the necessary relationship skills needed
to build a marriage for a lifetime.
To be sure, it's far simpler to prepare for a one-day wedding event than it is to prepare for
a marriage that lasts a lifetime. Nevertheless, the most romantic and elegant wedding in the world
doesn't prepare a couple for having a satisfying and happy marriage. After the beautiful wedding
and exotic honeymoon, couples are faced with the mundane matters of life. Such issues as
remembering to balance the checkbook, which direction to put the toilet paper roll, or what brand
of toothpaste to use and how to squeeze it are but a few. Then there are more serious issues, such
as which spouse's family to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with, balancing work and
marriage, and handling previous friendships. Many couples panic at the first signs of conflict or
disagreement, thinking perhaps they weren't meant for each other. They aren't prepared to handle
the serious realities of everyday life.
John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washing-ton in Seattle, says
that it's the ordinary events of everyday life that build love in marriage.1 When couples can
resolve conflict in a constructive and positive way, the marriage is strengthened and intimacy is
deepened. However, if these seemingly insignificant issues go unresolved or are resolved in a
destructive manner, it leads to marital distress, which leads to divorce or remaining in an
unhappy marriage.
Premarital Education as Prevention
Current research suggests the possibility of preventing marital distress through teaching
couples skill-building in areas of communication and conflict management before problems
develop.2 For those who want a lasting and happy marriage, premarital education is an absolute
must.
Premarital education isn't just to help a couple know where to stand and when to say "I
do" on the wedding day. An effective premarital education program teaches couples specific
skills, techniques, and ideas for maintaining and building a strong Christian marriage. It's an
attempt to help a couple prepare for a happy, satisfying lifetime marriage and hopefully prevent
future distress and divorce. Couples who have had a positive premarital education experience are
also more willing to participate in future marriage enrichment opportunities or counseling if
necessary.
If done effectively, premarital education prepares couples for inevitable disappointments
and conflict in marriage. It teaches the skills needed to manage conflict and miscommunication
and to prevent distress before it starts. Having a good relationship is a skill, and at the heart of
this skill is speaking and listening to one another in ways that will build up rather than tear down.
For those of us who are Christians, none of this is news, as evidenced in James 1:19: "My dear
brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become
angry" (NIV).
Of course, teaching anything to a couple who is in a blissful state is very hard. However,
this is when most couples usually ask for premarital guidance, after they are well into the
wedding and honeymoon plans. Usually the pastor is consulted more as a courtesy, and pastors
traditionally have just given a few courtesy premarital sessions and then a blessing on the
wedding day.
Ideally a couple should seek the guidance of the pastor or Christian counselor while
deciding toward marriage and before setting the wedding date. Many couples are so determined
to be together that they are afraid to get counseling for fear they will be told that they aren't meant
to be together. It's true that a couple may dissolve a relationship because of issues that surfaced
during premarital guidance, but such an experience is much less traumatic than going through a
divorce.
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Pertinent Adventist Statistics
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The following statistical data for North American Adventists are quoted from:
Sahlin, Monte & Norma, A New Generation of Adventist Families, 1997.
Lincoln, Nebraska: Center for Creative Ministry. (To order copies of the aforementioned
book, please call AdventSource at 1-800-328-0525).
One in four Adventists (26 percent) has been divorced at some
point in their life (p.8).
One in six respondents (17 percent) experienced divorce since
joining the Seventh-day Adventist church. For the others, the divorce happened
before becoming Adventists (p. 8).
Low income respondents are more likely to have gone through a
divorce than are higher income respondents. Blacks and whites are more likely
to have gone through a divorce than are Asians and Hispanics among respondents.
Recent converts are also more likely to have been divorced (p.121).
The largest number of respondents (43 percent) were under 30 years
of age at the time of their divorce. Another third were under 40, and less than
one in four were over 40 or older (p. 122).
One in five Adventists who have experienced divorce have also
gone through a second, third, or subsequent marriage dissolution. Almost all
of these individuals have had only two divorces. Only a handful of respondents
indicated they had been divorced three or more times (p. 122).
A third of the divorces experienced by respondents were finalized
in the 1980s, a time in which the rate of divorce among Adventists appears to
have reached an all-time high (p. 122).
The rate of divorce among Adventists increased significantly for
three decadesCthe 1960s, the 1970s and the
1980s. It is equally clear that the divorce rate declined in the 1990s (pp.
122-123).
Divorces by Adventist couples usually have an impact on children.
Two out of three of divorced respondents say that they had minor children in
the home at the time of their divorce (p.124).
Nearly a third of the divorced respondents say children from a
previous marriage were part of their family when they went through a divorce.
This is evidence of the higher incidence of divorce in second marriages. These
children, now going through a second or possibly even a third divorce, are especially
at risk. They particularly need the attention, compassion, and ministry of caring
Christians (p. 124).
The wife was employed full-time at the time of the divorce in a little more
than half of couples. In another quarter of couples she was employed part-time
(p. 124).
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Take Joe, 30, and Susan, 29, who have been dating for more than a year. This couple had
already set their date and paid a $1,000 deposit to reserve the reception hall. After taking a
premarital preparation program at their church, they discovered that they had many areas that
they needed to resolve prior to marriage. They decided to postpone their wedding for six months.
At first Susan was unhappy about the postponement, but she knew that it was the right thing to
do.
The most effective premarital programs focus on teaching couples how to make the
transition from single life to married life. These programs make couples aware of the risk factors
that will lead to divorce or marital distress. Communication, conflict resolution, and consensus
building are the factors that are most predictive of future distress. What couples are calling
"irreconcilable differences" often occur in areas in which a couple can make changes and be
taught skills for handling their differences.
Marital researchers estimate that only 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because
they are having frequent devastating fights. More often than not husbands and wives distance
themselves to avoid hostile fighting, until there is no closeness, friendship, or sense of
connection, thus ending their marriages under the guise of "We just grew apart."3
Couples must also discuss and assess other factors that are less amenable to change or not
changeable at all, but that may have potential influence on the success of the relationship. These
factors include each partner's individual traits and behaviors, i.e., emotional health, self-esteem,
neurotic behaviors, and dysfunctional attitudes. Other areas for assessment are similarity of race,
religion, values, age, and gender role expectations. Couples will also want to assess how
background factors, including family of origin, socioeconomic status, and previous divorce
history, might impact their relationship. If couples are aware of these factors prior to marriage
and preferably before engagement, then they can make more informed choices, anticipate future
problems, and sometimes, for their benefit, decide to dissolve a relationship.
New Directions in Premarital Education
Historically the church has been the primary provider of premarital education. To be sure,
religious organizations still have the most access to engaged couples, and 78 percent of all
first-time marriages still take place in a church, synagogue, or temple. Conse-quently even the
secular marital researchers are looking to religious institutions to deliver effective premarital
programs in the hopes of preserving and protecting marriages. The church can naturally play a
pivotal role in the work of preparing couples for successful marriages and preventing divorce.
Given this information, the church can no longer afford to function primarily as a blessing
machine when it comes to marriage.4 Despite the energy that most churches put into premarital
training, the divorce rate for Christians, including Seventh-day Adventists (see sidebar "Religious
Organizations and Issues Regarding Marriage"), is comparable to that in society. It may be safe to
assume that much of this energy hasn't always been spent in the most effective manner.
As a denomination, we must be more intentional about preparing persons for marriage.
First, we have to begin looking at premarital education as prevention, thus taking a long-term
approach to the process. This ap-proach clearly requires a big commitment from those who are
providing premarital education. Each local church must be prepared to establish specific
guidelines for engaged couples (see NAD policy). In the past the pastor has been solely
responsible for premarital preparation of couples. Perhaps the time has come for us to take a
community-oriented approach to the premarital effort. The church family must be willing to
make a bigger investment of time, energy, thought, and prayer in preparing a premarital
education program that supports and prepares couples and individuals in the church for
marriage.5
The family ministries committee of the local church can serve as a wonderful resource.
Churches can use the many tested instruments based on solid research, such as PREPARE,
RELATE, FOCUS, which help to assess the strengths and weaknesses of couples. There are also
many intervention programs that are ideal for use with premarital couples.6
Local churches can collaborate to provide premarital or relationship-strengthening classes
for groups of couples. The pastor can then meet with couples privately to discuss deeper issues,
and, when ready, make plans for the wedding. Christian counselors, therapists, and certified
family life educators may also serve as an excellent resource in providing premarital education
for couples. Some churches use trained mentor couples. These are couples who are committed to
their own relationship and are interested in helping new couples have Christ-centered marriages.
Keeping the Knot Tied
Premarital education is a unique opportunity to influence the future of married couples,
families, and society. Couples who participate in effective premarital preparation programs are
reducing their risks of future marital distress and divorce and enhancing their capacity for a
healthy, satisfying, and Christ-centered marriage.
While we believe that premarital education is an opportunity for prevention, we must also
say that its effects won't last for a lifetime. Couples will need ongoing support to maintain the
preventive effectiveness. Couples must take advantage of enrichment seminars and retreats as
often as possible, and churches must provide these opportunities for couples. Marriage isn't an
individual sport. It truly is a team effort. The effects of divorce are battering our society, and
many eyes are appropriately looking toward the faith communities to take the lead in making a
turnaround.
Ellen White says it well: "One well-ordered, well-disciplined family tells more in behalf
of Christianity than all the sermons that can be preached."7 We hope and pray that the Seventh-day Adventist Church will be in center court and not left sitting on the bench.
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1 John M. Gottman and N. Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New
York: Crown Publishers, 1999).
2 Scott Stanley, D. Trathen, S. McCain, and M. Bryan, A Lasting Promise (San
Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1998).
3 Gottman and Silver.
4 Michael J. McManus, Marriage Savers: Helping Your Friends and Family Avoid
Divorce (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishers, 1995).
5 Ibid.
6 For additional information on premarital resources, please contact NAD Department of
Family Ministries.
7 Ellen G. White, The Adventist Home (Nashville: Southern Pub. Assn., 1952), p. 32.
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Willie and Elaine Oliver work for the Department of Family Ministries of the North American
Division of the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
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